HERE'S HOW WE SHOULD RUN THE COUNTRY

-NO benefits if you're a scrounging C*NT.
(decision based solely on MY -opinion of each case.)
-IMMEDIATE ADOPTION for any child who's parents cannot prove themselves to earn enough money to keep them.
(possibility for temporary fostering for the less extreme cases)
-Clothes should cost MORE if you have to wear a bigger size 
(for sizes beyond "L")
-ANYONE proven to have raped and/or murdered anyone (unless in unequivocal self-defence) else is deported forever to one of the lesser used Channel Islands where they can freely rape and/or murder each other till they're all sore and/or dead.
(like Herm or one of the other rubbish ones..)
-Foods that are bad for you should cost more (not less).
(I have no idea how that could happen..)
-ALL WHINING, WHINGING, FAME HUNGRY KNOBBY REALITY TV celebrities who think they've got it bad, (despite being rich and famous for no reason) just because they've broken up, divorced or cheated on someone etc 20 times are immediately placed into an impartial lottery where they're potentially entered into an enforced BATTLE ROYALE to the death broadcast on live television. All proceeds from the show go to charity. ALL OF IT.
-ANYONE WHO TRIES TO GET FAMOUS - by publicly declaring that they've had sex with a married person immediately gets their tits cut off and their chests irreparably augmented.
-ATHLETES AND/OR OTHER incredible human beings become the focus of our media attention in an effort to try and better our human race rather than turn it into an obese, lazy mess pumped full of plastic surgery.
(like an extended version of how it felt around the olympics)
-IF YOU STEAL FROM SOMEONE the bank/government has the right to take everything you have to your name (house, car, valuables, bank money) and put this money towards funding of the remaining people on benefits who have a legitimate reason to not be working (injury etc.) - you, meanwhile will rot, penniless in prison.

**IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ANY OF THIS, YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF JOE-TOPIA**

LINE-UP: Cast Dissection of 'A Chorus Line

Having been to see this show 3 times already since it's opening I felt it only fair that I wrote a blog about it. The theatre isn't my usual blogging material but I thought, fuck it, why not? After all my blog is called 'Tape Up The TV' as an indication that most of TV needs to be taped up so it can shut up - why not extend that to mean - "go to the theatre instead, you culture-less arseholes..."

A Chorus Line (now showing at the London Palladium) is an outstanding show. It somehow finds a way to engage it's audience for 2 hours purely through it's development of character. They have no special design effects to hide behind, no gimmicky props and no elaborate storyline. it's a blunt, brutal, honest depiction of the struggle that actors & dancers must go through as a regularity through auditions.  This is EXACTLY why I like it.  I think I appreciate the overall irony of the story.  It becomes almost irrelevant that each character is individually fleshed out - because come the performance the only thing that is required from them is group unity and the underrated talent of not stealing focus.  Also, if you don't leave the theatre humming the show tune 'One' then you are not a friend of mine. Having said that - if you left the theatre attempting to tap dance down the exit stairs (getting in other theatre-goers ways and generally making a tit out of yourself) you aren't a friend of mine either... write that down

This show appealed to me the moment I heard about it. I love any opportunity to dissect a group of people and I've always loved the chorus group of any musical (and sometimes find myself watching them more than the lead singer, especially if they are attractive...)  I wonder if the actors who play their roles had any self reflection on the roles that they were given. After all - they are epitomising certain problomatic characters of a chorus line (too old, too short, too ugly...too...black? can I get away with saying that?..). Did they ever feel that way themselves? Is there something bittersweet about portraying the exact thing that may have been holding them back? 

Let's dissect the cast (from left to right in the above photo):

Diana (Victoria Hamilton-Barritt): The show definitely wants you to like this girl. I did. Her song when she complains about feeling 'nothing' was outstanding (and is so true). Amazing voice. I remember a class at school where we all had to 'feel' like we were a tree. It was so retarded. Whoever did the editing on the poster campaign for her face made her look more like Sarah Solemani from "Him & Her" then Victoria Hamilton-Barritt.

Paul (Gary Wood): One of those characters that you feel you get to know the most then his part is ripped away in an instant. Impressive stuff. A long monologue, well executed. Even my Dad liked that monologue and he's usually more homophobic than an army of cowboys.

Mark (Harry Francis): Squeaky & Lighthearted. Has a funny story. Quality. Any musical that fits in 'Milky Discharge' is a winner in my book.  I really hope that's his real voice... Didn't have enough lines, in my opinion.

Val (Rebecca Herszenhorn): Saw it twice with Rebecca playing her and once with an understudy. The understudy did a good (slighhhhtly nervy) job but Herszenhorn was ideal. Solid, bouncy (ahem) delivery. Really damn hot (sort of like Rachel McAdams but hotter and blonder). Class Act! She gets to sing a really funny song about Tits & Ass. (Who says theatre is gay?)

Kristine (Frances Dee): On stage she looked a bit like Rihanna circa 2011/2. Another funny character. Her role interested me and I was DAMN sure 1 of the married couple would get in and the other wouldn't. It amused me that she's not supposed to be able to carry a tune in the slightest but during the group singing numbers you can't hear her ruining it?.. I wonder if you'll know what I mean when I say that in most shows I find a member of the cast (in the big numbers) and watch them the most? no? Oh well, she was the one I watched the most.

Al (Simon Hardwick): You really get the sense that those two are married. Even in the little un-verbal exchanges that they do in the crowd scenes. I thought he'd get in. I picked this character out of a ballot (to see who's character would be chosen in the production) and was sure I was in for a winner. Gutted. The man is stacked too. Jesus. I'm pretty sure they vacuum pack him into his Green vest on a nightly basis.

Richie (James T Lane): Great dancer. Funny lines (although there aren't many of them). Would've liked to have found out more about him. (SHIT RICHIE.. SHIIT SHIIT RICHIE)

Judy (Lucy Jane Adcock): Light hearted. Slightly grating voice but I think/hope that's deliberate. I can't remember her story?

Bebe (Daisy Maywood): Probably too attractive to be cast as someone who's only meant to feel pretty when she dances... maybe I missed the point? She was dinky though. I wondered at the time why they made her character's dance clothes so similar to Maggie's - then I figured it might have been a visual thing for when they flank Sheila in her song about the ballet. Looks more symmetrical. 

Bobbie (Ed Currie): Really funny character. I was actually a bit disappointed when he got muted for the background song by the other chorus members.  He looks like Oz from American Pie in his black & white cast photo                                                          Sheila (Leigh Zimmerman): Funniest lines of the show. Perfectly delivered. I wouldn't like to be her understudy - I doubt many, if any, could do her part justice. Zimmerman - I love you. So damn hot.  When she says the line "he wants me" to Bobby, I was thinking YES.. YES I DO..

...now wait a minute... who the fuck is that supposed to be? ... is that Cassie?! Since when was Cassie a short black woman with cropped hair?.. (see photo at top of page)

oh well...

Cassie (Scarlett Strallen): She's an epic dancer. Her solo dance routine is outstanding. But... her character annoyed me. The fact that it's clearly not supposed to annoy me, annoys me further. I get that she's had a rough time - but when she's picked at the end (sorry, spoiler) I just thought - well that's BLATANT favouritism for you then.. It would've been more poignant if she hadn't got in, I think. 

 Greg (Andy Rees): What a hero. Very small part compared to some of the others but he makes the most of it. Loud laughter at a lot of his lines (especially from the TWAT sitting behind me who was chuckling like a fat circus clown)           Connie (Alexzandra Sarmiento): Saw it twice with her and once with an understudy given a very different character. I preferred Sarmiento's portrayal. She's a great dancer. Made me laugh too. A hard thing to do when you aren't given a large monologue. I was rooting for her as well.
Mike (Adam Salter): My friend drew him in the ballot. Lucky bastard. I got nervous every time he did a back flip onstage but he does them so effortlessly. Likeable. Gets a nice song too.         Maggie (Vicki Lee Taylor): A sad storyline but not given enough stage presence to make a massive impact. Clothing resembles Bebe. As stated, I think this is on purpose.

Don (Gary Watson): As first in line you'd have thought he'd have got more individual stage time. He's one of the lesser known characters, for sure.

NB: I've missed out that guy from EastEnders. This is on purpose. I'm fairly sure nearly every other review on this play will focus on him but I won't. I wanted to respect every character in the chorus line and I hope I have.

A fairly long blog post, I know. Also surprisingly serious from me. But I hope that shows you how much I liked this performance. This show will do very well. I'm 100% sure of that. (I accept all major credit cards... just FYI).  

PS. I watched the 1985 movie version last weekend. Yikes. Not a patch on the stage show in my opinion. 

Tool Academy: Take 1 Bloke & 1 Slapper & Mix



So this year, the Tools thought they were in a competition to win a shag with that fit Welsh slapper, who's name I can't remember. That one from Big Brother. The thing is - that's not that stupid a concept to believe. Isn't she the one that fucked Ryan Giggs? So she's clearly got the taste and morals of a hyena with a blood-lust and a massive penis... She'd do anything to get into the spotlight - so I wouldn't be surprised if the tv production company also tricked her into thinking she was presenting a real show. Also. She can't present for shit. I swear I saw the year she was on Big Brother - she never talked like such a retard on that.... It woz liiike she woz ouuuver Wehhhlllshh faw naw reazon

As every year goes by I find it harder and harder to believe that the contestants do not know they will be on Tool Academy. Does it not phaze them that there clearly isn't a show called 'The Man Games' in real life? Or that the thing is televised so either way their girlfriend will find out about what they're doing? Any intelligent couple who can act like he's a player and she's a hard-done-by girlfriend (who happens to dress like a fit slapper) could easier blag their way onto this show... and have an 'epiphany' halfway through then win. That's what I would do. But then again I can't even think of what my Tool Name would be? 'Blogger Tool' sounds like I've just shat myself... 

Anyway. I have a good feeling about this new lot - and below are my first impressions of them all.

PS. I wont say who (because I haven't worked out who belongs to who yet...but some of their girlfriends are WELL ropey!!) haha.

X FACTOR: Same Shit, Different Year (Edition 2)

So here you go, see below for a quick round-up of this years X Factor Losers (with the exception of a few).

I wont say that there is no talent this year because that would be wrong. There clearly is. But does anybody else feel slightly short-changed? Remember back in the year when Alexandra Burke won it? (including Diana Vickers, JLS, Laura White, Austin Drage etc.) That year was great. I genuinely felt like I had no idea who was going to win the show. I felt the same on the year with Cher Lloyd, One Direction, Rebecca Furgerson etc. (who won that year? I dunno..) - It was a really hard one to call.

THIS year, there are a good 5 or 6 acts that need to fuck off before it gets interesting, which means that ultimately apart from showcasing the talent that the others clearly all have - it's just a slow race towards any sort of moment where things will matter. Ok, ok, I know that Caroline Poole's exit was a bit of a 'controversy' but did anyone actually think that she could win it? Nah, me neither. So why delay the inevitable? Same with that Melanie Masson. Nice enough lady... but she would never have won the show. My ears are thanking her exit.

The important inclusion this year is the chance for the acts to perform their own material or alter the pre-existing material with their own rapping. I like this element. It's a chance to see what they would actually be doing when this is over. Just look at James Arthur (If you can) - or the epic Lucy Spraggan.  They could go far after this. Just as long as the wrong label doesn't try and make them go the way of old husky yeller - Diana Vickers. I genuinely liked her on the show. She was cool, floaty, calm & natural. Up until about Week 4 she was nailing it every week - then she got a throat infection and it went downhill from there. Remember when she came back 2 years later looking like a slightly downy- plump Cheryl Cole for that mental circus song she did? "OOPS CANNA DABULA GEELING" - or something. People said it was a copy of Under The Bridge by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. No. No it wasn't. Don't insult the RHCP's like that... Whoever turned her into that sort of act should be shot. Just saying.

RESIDENT EVIL 6. I. Can't. Wait.

PORNOS: Sticking To What's Important...And Your Hand

I don't think I've ever come across a situation where the pre-amble before the nakedness increased my overall viewing pleasure of a porno. Let's be honest, if you're like me, any time you have to use porn you basically feel like you've failed.. No one wants to feel like a failure for long so do us all a favour and skip the part when Jennie Pert-Norks walks into the mechanics garage and asks for someone who knows how to 'see to her trunk' or some other 'clever' smutty innuendo that essentially means she wants to get her fanny fucked so hard she can't walk straight for a week.. Just start the clip at the penetration or at the very least, the foreplay. I promise, no one, ever, will mind.  Any theme/situational building moments are just a waste of precious time at the end of a long day or in any short moments when you're home alone.


Also, duration annoys me too. Unless you're having an incredibly slow, controlled wank who needs longer than 10minutes for a porn film? You're already horny.. That's why you tug one out. So why would you then want to engage in the storyline, learn that Sindy Huge-Blubbers is a mother of two and a wife so she's a massive unfaithful bitch whore? Just start the first 5 seconds off with something a bit more relevant to the activity...
I've seen (I mean heard of..) porn movies that are 1hr 30mins long!? Why the fuck would anyone watch that!? Has anyone in the history of EVER carried on watching it after they've climaxed? "Ooooh I wonder if they solve the murder immediately after the scene where she shoves a candlestick up her muff?!" to my knowledge no one gives a shit...

Another thing. Vocals. There are occasions in actual sex where being vocal about what you're doing or what you'd like to do possibly adds to the moment. But would you ever want to hear yourself back afterwards? Errr... No! It would be horrendous. You'd sound like such a TWAT. For this reason I think vocals should be banned from pornos. It never sounds good or increases viewing pleasure for the watcher. I don't want to see some screaming little bint pretending to enjoy being rammed by a massive monster cock and having to say things like "oh yerrr baby, daddy would be so mad" .. If you like it, we will know. Stop reacting like such a shrill little slapper! And male vocals are even worse. "yerrr do you like that??! Yeh who's ya daddy?"   ... You really wanna know who her daddy is, dickhead? He'd beat the SHiT out of you!

Finally the only other time porn is on (besides when you're high with a group of mates) is when you've got it on in the background to try to 'set the mood' for actual sex that's happening at the time.. Don't be so FUCKiNG lazy! You wanna fuck someone, YOU turn them on, say the right things, engage with them. Don't just put a porno on and let some mouthy Alpha Male gobshite steal your thunder with his ever-hard cock pounding her ever-wet fanny. It'll most likely show you up. And if it wouldn't, why is it on in the background in the first place?!

Yours sincerely,
Some Wanker

TV ADVERTS: Cars, Meerkats & Fruity Jizz

Do you remember when the best adverts on tv used to be car ads? Undoubtedly. They were the most stylish, looked the most pricey to produce & if ever one came on in a cinema before the trailers started it'd give you a semi just looking at it ... even if it was a Mazda... what happened to those? I don't think I've seen a decent car ad for a long time. Possibly the last good one was the sequel advert to that cake one where they pretended to build a Skoda Fabia out of things that Fat people eat when they feel upset. 

The advert that followed on from that was for the Fabia vRS - I enjoyed that one: snakes are immense. But I sort of feel like car adverts have taken a bit of a nose-dive. Perhaps I'm wrong. But surely the appropriate demographic time slots for car adverts should be after work? (you know, aimed at people who can afford a car).  I guess I'll have to just rely on Top Gear - a show I do like a lot, but secretly want them to get over themselves and just continue to do what they do best: instead of seeming so fucking smug all the time. Having said this, they do, quite clearly, have the best job of all time. And as a final note on this: The Stig that revealed himself (Ben Collins) made a bit of a silly move.  No-one actually cares who The Stig is, it's just kind of fun to guess. As soon as you know it's revealed it's like when someone explains how a rainbow is made: ultimately disappointing and.. well... a bit gay.

 Now all I seem to see is market comparison adverts. If I see that FAT SHIT sing "Go Compare" in any sort of mild variation of an advert again I'm going to hunt him down and punch him in his chubby jaw.  I'm feeling the same way with the Compare the Meerkat.com ads (although I always preferred them over the fat Italian.)  YES, they're memorable, YES, they are self-mocking and so don't take themselves too seriously but I feel about them the same way I do about banking with Halifax or shopping at B&Q: Because I hate the adverts so much I flat out refuse to use the product or service they're selling. Consequently I have never been on a price comparison website. So thank you Go Compare & Compare the Market: you've fucked me off so much that I'm refusing to acknowledge your existence.

I saw a new advert for McDonalds the other day that lasted for far longer than it should have and showed some little shits chasing bubbles in the shape of different fruits. This carries on in a semi-artsy way until a bubble pops and you see the kids drinking their Fruitjizz (I think it's Fruitjizz?) juice drinks in a McDonalds right before the end. OH YEH, that'll work. Kids will DEFINITELY opt for the Fruit Juice Drink when they're already stuffing their pie holes with more chicken nuggets and burgers than you can shake a stick at...(never really understood that phrase) FUCK OFF McDonalds. Everyone knows you're the food scum of the earth. If our diets are our life partners then McDonalds is that crack-whore you riddle yourself with in exchange for money.  Yeh sure, it feels good at the time but afterwards you feel cheap & nasty. It's about as pointless as an advert for Heroin trying to convince you that injecting smack "provides adequate Nurse needle training" -- If that advert DID exist, I bet I know which demographic time-slot they would show that on: Somewhere between Jeremy Kyle & Cash In The Attic (day-time-layabout-benefit-cunts).