Monday, 12 January 2015

REALITY TV: Kids Today are F*CKED

I'll admit, I enjoy watching Reality TV. Why? It's comforting. It's satisfying to know that whatever went on in the year - towards the end of it we'll be bombarded with a troop load of new 'talent' on the X Factor who will disappear into obscurity as soon as become temporary household names. Every week on the Live Shows we will see a theme that we saw the year before ('80's night, Michael Jackson Night, fucking BIG BAND night) and EVERY year we'll say to our friends "euuumeerrgawwd it's exactly the same as last year" but you know what - we keep watching? But why? I think it's because as the slightly older viewer we feel we know better.  We know that TV is shit and we just deal with it. "It wasn't always this shit", we think. We remember a life before Reality TV became such a big fat flabby mess (like Gemma Collins).

Nowadays there's one additional reason to watch SHITE TV. Twitter. Live updates on Twitter. In some kind of 'join in or fuck off' mentality every time a mainstream reality TV show is airing your timeline will be littered with UTTER CRAP from everyone as they comment on every single thing that is happening - as it happens. To not watch is the equivalent of being that sad twat at the party who is 'too cool' to dance to pop music and would rather sit in a corner of the room wearing all black and not talking to anyone or having any fun.  Whilst I'm on the subject, to all of those music snobs who do that; next time - just don't show up to the party, ok? No one cares that you don't like it! I'll also bet that most people who are dancing to the music don't really like it much either they're just trying to get involved, or get laid or get over themselves. Nothing is funnier than watching one of these outcasts FINALLY hear a song they like and rush to the floor to head bang (primarily making them look like they are trying to suck themselves off but not quite making it). Please stop, please.

Now, before I wonder so musically off topic the reason for this post is this - I was chatting to my nephew the other day and I asked him if he could remember a time BEFORE this huge influx of Reality TV:

  • Before people got famous just for not killing their pathetic, self-indulged & borderline mental housemates (Big Brother)
  • Before bewildered people got screen time for being so crap at singing they make a panel of millionaire's laugh (The X Factor)
  • Before disgusting roidy Geordie boys fucked messy, pissy, shitty Geordie-girls in front of the camera before shitting the bed (Geordie Shore)
  • Before 'celebrities' both past/bewildered and present/pointless licked kangaroo's anus out of sheer desperation (I'm A Celebrity)
  • Before that fat CUNT Gemma Collins was considered famous and not just a blob you'd judge at the supermarket or read about in 'Love It' magazine (TOWIE) 

 I think my nephew remembered life before Geordie Shore (thank god) but as for the rest of it - his entire upbringing has had Reality TV shoved in his face.  This is a very sad, sorry, state of affairs right? This kid does not remember a time before people decided that they could become famous 'just for being on the tele'. That happens now! We get all of these pointless arseholes like Jake Quickenden thrown in front of us because they've got abs and a nice arse. They have no other discernible talent to be seen, least of all singing.  I bet that little prick is never going to have a proper job in his life!

This doesn't teach our young, impressionable kids anything decent. This teaches them that they can get whatever they want in life and be "FAMOUS" just by appearing on a Reality TV Show.

I see the same thing when I look at those horrendous sad trolls that line up every Saturday Night for Take Me Out.  30 (?) women who all look like the back of a bus (apart from a few who leave as soon as they arrive) giggle and gawk at a range of different men... all the while thinking 'I'm on TV, I've MADE IT' and probably wondering how many Twitter followers they've amassed by saying that they "don't DO the gym" in a sassy voice for attention.  JUST FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF BACK TO WHATEVER HOLE YOU CAME FROM. YOU SHOULDN'T BE ON TV. YOU SHOULD BE IN A WETHERSPOONS.

The ONLY time I've ever felt like the kids of today (or tomorrow) have had ANY decent role models was during our London Olympics. Successful, athletic, driven, brilliant people who are achieving greatness through hard work and endurance.

No one is a good role model anymore - myself included.

So I'm sorry kids of tomorrow - we've totally fucked things up for you. No wonder you're all a snotty, shitty, stubborn, spoilt set of twats and sluts.

Thursday, 17 April 2014


Firstly I think I should mention that I'm A Celebrity is probably the BEST reality TV show on our screens.  It answers the age-old question of 'exactly what will some celebrities do to obtain fans and stay on television'.  I also very much like that the winners are not always the odds-on favourites because it's audience values a contestants manner, mettle, personality (in harsh conditions) and above all their over-all bad-ass-ness. 

I, for one, would revel in the chance to get down and stinky in a jungle with a bunch of babes, a bunch of has-been stars of yester year and a bunch of terrifying bugs!  you know why? because I truly believe that it would be a life changing experience.  I believe that they really do get starved in there with 600 calories per day (unless their last Trial contestant was any good) - I believe they really do sleep amongst it all and have to endure spiders spinning webs over their faces at night or the odd huge, terrifying, dragon looking lizard crawling through their camp. I really do believe those beans they consume are rank (just look at them).

It's honest.  The TV Show might try and manipulate the survival element as much as possible but beyond that - they wont really know how each individual celeb will react in there. This is why it is genius. It's like early Big Brother in that respect.  Each year, to me at least, is different from the next.  It is a social experiment.

But you know who I think would 100% own the jungle? Alex Reid. This is a new theory for me.  I think I had assumed that he'd have already done it - he seems like the type. Now over the last couple of days I keep on seeing that handsome sod literally everywhere I unintentionally look -

1) I saw him on a re-run of old-school Gladiators (when it was awesome!)
2) I saw him as an Extra on the British film 'Sliding Doors'
3) I saw him on a YouTube video of past Big Brother contestants
4) I saw him shagging a woman in the woods and growling (..or something)

Anyway, in my opinion Alex would rule the jungle and probably win.  Why? Well..
  • He's a decent bloke.
  • He's a bit weird (but in a quality way).
  • He'd probably punch an ostrich in the face rather than be scared of it. 
  • He'd eat anything (that's a given!!). 
  • He'd probably shag a female campmate or two... might even dabble with a man, if the pickings are slim...
  • He'd get his kit off (probably as soon as the sky dive out of the plane) which would increase ratings.
This last one is important. As someone who also would consider himself try-sexual, I think the show is being a bit unbalanced when it comes to male vs female totty.  Go on Reid, give us a shower scene lad! Get that arse out! Nice one.

I've never voted before for anything but hell I'd vote for him to be King.

I also think, importantly, his motivation wouldn't be to do it to be well liked by fans, or to increase his fame or any shite like that. He'd do it because he'd want to endure the challenge.

So if you read this Reid, you should go for it son.  You wont regret it.

So Alex, how much anus would you eat to get on TV?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Tool Academy: Take 1 Bloke & 1 Slapper & Mix

So this year, the Tools thought they were in a competition to win a shag with that fit Welsh slapper, who's name I can't remember. That one from Big Brother. The thing is - that's not that stupid a concept to believe. Isn't she the one that fucked Ryan Giggs? So she's clearly got the taste and morals of a hyena with a blood-lust and a massive penis... She'd do anything to get into the spotlight - so I wouldn't be surprised if the tv production company also tricked her into thinking she was presenting a real show. Also. She can't present for shit. I swear I saw the year she was on Big Brother - she never talked like such a retard on that.... It woz liiike she woz ouuuver Wehhhlllshh faw naw reazon

As every year goes by I find it harder and harder to believe that the contestants do not know they will be on Tool Academy. Does it not phaze them that there clearly isn't a show called 'The Man Games' in real life? Or that the thing is televised so either way their girlfriend will find out about what they're doing? Any intelligent couple who can act like he's a player and she's a hard-done-by girlfriend (who happens to dress like a fit slapper) could easier blag their way onto this show... and have an 'epiphany' halfway through then win. That's what I would do. But then again I can't even think of what my Tool Name would be? 'Blogger Tool' sounds like I've just shat myself... 

Anyway. I have a good feeling about this new lot - and below are my first impressions of them all.
PS. I wont say who (because I haven't worked out who belongs to who yet...but some of their girlfriends are WELL ropey!!) haha.

Monday, 15 October 2012

X FACTOR: Same Shit, Different Year (Edition 2)

So here you go, see below for a quick round-up of this years X Factor Losers (with the exception of a few).

I wont say that there is no talent this year because that would be wrong. There clearly is. But does anybody else feel slightly short-changed? Remember back in the year when Alexandra Burke won it? (including Diana Vickers, JLS, Laura White, Austin Drage etc.) That year was great. I genuinely felt like I had no idea who was going to win the show. I felt the same on the year with Cher Lloyd, One Direction, Rebecca Furgerson etc. (who won that year? I dunno..) - It was a really hard one to call.

THIS year, there are a good 5 or 6 acts that need to fuck off before it gets interesting, which means that ultimately apart from showcasing the talent that the others clearly all have - it's just a slow race towards any sort of moment where things will matter. Ok, ok, I know that Caroline Poole's exit was a bit of a 'controversy' but did anyone actually think that she could win it? Nah, me neither. So why delay the inevitable? Same with that Melanie Masson. Nice enough lady... but she would never have won the show. My ears are thanking her exit.

The important inclusion this year is the chance for the acts to perform their own material or alter the pre-existing material with their own rapping. I like this element. It's a chance to see what they would actually be doing when this is over. Just look at James Arthur (If you can) - or the epic Lucy Spraggan.  They could go far after this. Just as long as the wrong label doesn't try and make them go the way of old husky yeller - Diana Vickers. I genuinely liked her on the show. She was cool, floaty, calm & natural. Up until about Week 4 she was nailing it every week - then she got a throat infection and it went downhill from there. Remember when she came back 2 years later looking like a slightly downy- plump Cheryl Cole for that mental circus song she did? "OOPS CANNA DABULA GEELING" - or something. People said it was a copy of Under The Bridge by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. No. No it wasn't. Don't insult the RHCP's like that... Whoever turned her into that sort of act should be shot. Just saying.

Friday, 22 June 2012

PORNOS: Sticking To What's Important...And Your Hand

I don't think I've ever come across a situation where the pre-amble before the nakedness increased my overall viewing pleasure of a porno. Let's be honest, if you're like me, any time you have to use porn you basically feel like you've failed.. No one wants to feel like a failure for long so do us all a favour and skip the part when Jennie Pert-Norks walks into the mechanics garage and asks for someone who knows how to 'see to her trunk' or some other 'clever' smutty innuendo that essentially means she wants to get her fanny fucked so hard she can't walk straight for a week.. Just start the clip at the penetration or at the very least, the foreplay. I promise, no one, ever, will mind.  Any theme/situational building moments are just a waste of precious time at the end of a long day or in any short moments when you're home alone.

Also, duration annoys me too. Unless you're having an incredibly slow, controlled wank who needs longer than 10minutes for a porn film? You're already horny.. That's why you tug one out. So why would you then want to engage in the storyline, learn that Sindy Huge-Blubbers is a mother of two and a wife so she's a massive unfaithful bitch whore? Just start the first 5 seconds off with something a bit more relevant to the activity...
I've seen (I mean heard of..) porn movies that are 1hr 30mins long!? Why the fuck would anyone watch that!? Has anyone in the history of EVER carried on watching it after they've climaxed? "Ooooh I wonder if they solve the murder immediately after the scene where she shoves a candlestick up her muff?!" to my knowledge no one gives a shit...

Another thing. Vocals. There are occasions in actual sex where being vocal about what you're doing or what you'd like to do possibly adds to the moment. But would you ever want to hear yourself back afterwards? Errr... No! It would be horrendous. You'd sound like such a TWAT. For this reason I think vocals should be banned from pornos. It never sounds good or increases viewing pleasure for the watcher. I don't want to see some screaming little bint pretending to enjoy being rammed by a massive monster cock and having to say things like "oh yerrr baby, daddy would be so mad" .. If you like it, we will know. Stop reacting like such a shrill little slapper! And male vocals are even worse. "yerrr do you like that??! Yeh who's ya daddy?"   ... You really wanna know who her daddy is, dickhead? He'd beat the SHiT out of you!

Finally the only other time porn is on (besides when you're high with a group of mates) is when you've got it on in the background to try to 'set the mood' for actual sex that's happening at the time.. Don't be so FUCKiNG lazy! You wanna fuck someone, YOU turn them on, say the right things, engage with them. Don't just put a porno on and let some mouthy Alpha Male gobshite steal your thunder with his ever-hard cock pounding her ever-wet fanny. It'll most likely show you up. And if it wouldn't, why is it on in the background in the first place?!

Yours sincerely,
Some Wanker

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

TV ADVERTS: Cars, Meerkats & Fruity Jizz

Do you remember when the best adverts on tv used to be car ads? Undoubtedly. They were the most stylish, looked the most pricey to produce & if ever one came on in a cinema before the trailers started it'd give you a semi just looking at it ... even if it was a Mazda... what happened to those? I don't think I've seen a decent car ad for a long time. Possibly the last good one was the sequel advert to that cake one where they pretended to build a Skoda Fabia out of things that Fat people eat when they feel upset. 
The advert that followed on from that was for the Fabia vRS - I enjoyed that one: snakes are immense. But I sort of feel like car adverts have taken a bit of a nose-dive. Perhaps I'm wrong. But surely the appropriate demographic time slots for car adverts should be after work? (you know, aimed at people who can afford a car).  I guess I'll have to just rely on Top Gear - a show I do like a lot, but secretly want them to get over themselves and just continue to do what they do best: instead of seeming so fucking smug all the time. Having said this, they do, quite clearly, have the best job of all time. And as a final note on this: The Stig that revealed himself (Ben Collins) made a bit of a silly move.  No-one actually cares who The Stig is, it's just kind of fun to guess. As soon as you know it's revealed it's like when someone explains how a rainbow is made: ultimately disappointing and.. well... a bit gay.
 Now all I seem to see is market comparison adverts. If I see that FAT SHIT sing "Go Compare" in any sort of mild variation of an advert again I'm going to hunt him down and punch him in his chubby jaw.  I'm feeling the same way with the Compare the ads (although I always preferred them over the fat Italian.)  YES, they're memorable, YES, they are self-mocking and so don't take themselves too seriously but I feel about them the same way I do about banking with Halifax or shopping at B&Q: Because I hate the adverts so much I flat out refuse to use the product or service they're selling. Consequently I have never been on a price comparison website. So thank you Go Compare & Compare the Market: you've fucked me off so much that I'm refusing to acknowledge your existence.
I saw a new advert for McDonalds the other day that lasted for far longer than it should have and showed some little shits chasing bubbles in the shape of different fruits. This carries on in a semi-artsy way until a bubble pops and you see the kids drinking their Fruitjizz (I think it's Fruitjizz?) juice drinks in a McDonalds right before the end. OH YEH, that'll work. Kids will DEFINITELY opt for the Fruit Juice Drink when they're already stuffing their pie holes with more chicken nuggets and burgers than you can shake a stick at...(never really understood that phrase) FUCK OFF McDonalds. Everyone knows you're the food scum of the earth. If our diets are our life partners then McDonalds is that crack-whore you riddle yourself with in exchange for money.  Yeh sure, it feels good at the time but afterwards you feel cheap & nasty. It's about as pointless as an advert for Heroin trying to convince you that injecting smack "provides adequate Nurse needle training" -- If that advert DID exist, I bet I know which demographic time-slot they would show that on: Somewhere between Jeremy Kyle & Cash In The Attic (day-time-layabout-benefit-cunts).