Thursday, 17 April 2014

SOMEONE get Alex Reid on I'M A CELEBRITY

Firstly I think I should mention that I'm A Celebrity is probably the BEST reality TV show on our screens.  It answers the age-old question of 'exactly what will some celebrities do to obtain fans and stay on television'.  I also very much like that the winners are not always the odds-on favourites because it's audience values a contestants manner, mettle, personality (in harsh conditions) and above all their over-all bad-ass-ness. 

I, for one, would revel in the chance to get down and stinky in a jungle with a bunch of babes, a bunch of has-been stars of yester year and a bunch of terrifying bugs!  you know why? because I truly believe that it would be a life changing experience.  I believe that they really do get starved in there with 600 calories per day (unless their last Trial contestant was any good) - I believe they really do sleep amongst it all and have to endure spiders spinning webs over their faces at night or the odd huge, terrifying, dragon looking lizard crawling through their camp. I really do believe those beans they consume are rank (just look at them).

It's honest.  The TV Show might try and manipulate the survival element as much as possible but beyond that - they wont really know how each individual celeb will react in there. This is why it is genius. It's like early Big Brother in that respect.  Each year, to me at least, is different from the next.  It is a social experiment.

But you know who I think would 100% own the jungle? Alex Reid. This is a new theory for me.  I think I had assumed that he'd have already done it - he seems like the type. Now over the last couple of days I keep on seeing that handsome sod literally everywhere I unintentionally look -

1) I saw him on a re-run of old-school Gladiators (when it was awesome!)
2) I saw him as an Extra on the British film 'Sliding Doors'
3) I saw him on a YouTube video of past Big Brother contestants
4) I saw him shagging a woman in the woods and growling (..or something)

Anyway, in my opinion Alex would rule the jungle and probably win.  Why? Well..
  • He's a decent bloke.
  • He's a bit weird (but in a quality way).
  • He'd probably punch an ostrich in the face rather than be scared of it. 
  • He'd eat anything (that's a given!!). 
  • He'd probably shag a female campmate or two... might even dabble with a man, if the pickings are slim...
  • He'd get his kit off (probably as soon as the sky dive out of the plane) which would increase ratings.
This last one is important. As someone who also would consider himself try-sexual, I think the show is being a bit unbalanced when it comes to male vs female totty.  Go on Reid, give us a shower scene lad! Get that arse out! Nice one.

I've never voted before for anything but hell I'd vote for him to be King.

I also think, importantly, his motivation wouldn't be to do it to be well liked by fans, or to increase his fame or any shite like that. He'd do it because he'd want to endure the challenge.

So if you read this Reid, you should go for it son.  You wont regret it.

So Alex, how much anus would you eat to get on TV?

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Tool Academy: Take 1 Bloke & 1 Slapper & Mix


So this year, the Tools thought they were in a competition to win a shag with that fit Welsh slapper, who's name I can't remember. That one from Big Brother. The thing is - that's not that stupid a concept to believe. Isn't she the one that fucked Ryan Giggs? So she's clearly got the taste and morals of a hyena with a blood-lust and a massive penis... She'd do anything to get into the spotlight - so I wouldn't be surprised if the tv production company also tricked her into thinking she was presenting a real show. Also. She can't present for shit. I swear I saw the year she was on Big Brother - she never talked like such a retard on that.... It woz liiike she woz ouuuver Wehhhlllshh faw naw reazon

As every year goes by I find it harder and harder to believe that the contestants do not know they will be on Tool Academy. Does it not phaze them that there clearly isn't a show called 'The Man Games' in real life? Or that the thing is televised so either way their girlfriend will find out about what they're doing? Any intelligent couple who can act like he's a player and she's a hard-done-by girlfriend (who happens to dress like a fit slapper) could easier blag their way onto this show... and have an 'epiphany' halfway through then win. That's what I would do. But then again I can't even think of what my Tool Name would be? 'Blogger Tool' sounds like I've just shat myself... 

Anyway. I have a good feeling about this new lot - and below are my first impressions of them all.
PS. I wont say who (because I haven't worked out who belongs to who yet...but some of their girlfriends are WELL ropey!!) haha.




Monday, 15 October 2012

X FACTOR: Same Shit, Different Year (Edition 2)

So here you go, see below for a quick round-up of this years X Factor Losers (with the exception of a few).

I wont say that there is no talent this year because that would be wrong. There clearly is. But does anybody else feel slightly short-changed? Remember back in the year when Alexandra Burke won it? (including Diana Vickers, JLS, Laura White, Austin Drage etc.) That year was great. I genuinely felt like I had no idea who was going to win the show. I felt the same on the year with Cher Lloyd, One Direction, Rebecca Furgerson etc. (who won that year? I dunno..) - It was a really hard one to call.

THIS year, there are a good 5 or 6 acts that need to fuck off before it gets interesting, which means that ultimately apart from showcasing the talent that the others clearly all have - it's just a slow race towards any sort of moment where things will matter. Ok, ok, I know that Caroline Poole's exit was a bit of a 'controversy' but did anyone actually think that she could win it? Nah, me neither. So why delay the inevitable? Same with that Melanie Masson. Nice enough lady... but she would never have won the show. My ears are thanking her exit.

The important inclusion this year is the chance for the acts to perform their own material or alter the pre-existing material with their own rapping. I like this element. It's a chance to see what they would actually be doing when this is over. Just look at James Arthur (If you can) - or the epic Lucy Spraggan.  They could go far after this. Just as long as the wrong label doesn't try and make them go the way of old husky yeller - Diana Vickers. I genuinely liked her on the show. She was cool, floaty, calm & natural. Up until about Week 4 she was nailing it every week - then she got a throat infection and it went downhill from there. Remember when she came back 2 years later looking like a slightly downy- plump Cheryl Cole for that mental circus song she did? "OOPS CANNA DABULA GEELING" - or something. People said it was a copy of Under The Bridge by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. No. No it wasn't. Don't insult the RHCP's like that... Whoever turned her into that sort of act should be shot. Just saying.

Friday, 22 June 2012

PORNOS: Sticking To What's Important...And Your Hand



I don't think I've ever come across a situation where the pre-amble before the nakedness increased my overall viewing pleasure of a porno. Let's be honest, if you're like me, any time you have to use porn you basically feel like you've failed.. No one wants to feel like a failure for long so do us all a favour and skip the part when Jennie Pert-Norks walks into the mechanics garage and asks for someone who knows how to 'see to her trunk' or some other 'clever' smutty innuendo that essentially means she wants to get her fanny fucked so hard she can't walk straight for a week.. Just start the clip at the penetration or at the very least, the foreplay. I promise, no one, ever, will mind.  Any theme/situational building moments are just a waste of precious time at the end of a long day or in any short moments when you're home alone.


Also, duration annoys me too. Unless you're having an incredibly slow, controlled wank who needs longer than 10minutes for a porn film? You're already horny.. That's why you tug one out. So why would you then want to engage in the storyline, learn that Sindy Huge-Blubbers is a mother of two and a wife so she's a massive unfaithful bitch whore? Just start the first 5 seconds off with something a bit more relevant to the activity...
I've seen (I mean heard of..) porn movies that are 1hr 30mins long!? Why the fuck would anyone watch that!? Has anyone in the history of EVER carried on watching it after they've climaxed? "Ooooh I wonder if they solve the murder immediately after the scene where she shoves a candlestick up her muff?!" to my knowledge no one gives a shit...

Another thing. Vocals. There are occasions in actual sex where being vocal about what you're doing or what you'd like to do possibly adds to the moment. But would you ever want to hear yourself back afterwards? Errr... No! It would be horrendous. You'd sound like such a TWAT. For this reason I think vocals should be banned from pornos. It never sounds good or increases viewing pleasure for the watcher. I don't want to see some screaming little bint pretending to enjoy being rammed by a massive monster cock and having to say things like "oh yerrr baby, daddy would be so mad" .. If you like it, we will know. Stop reacting like such a shrill little slapper! And male vocals are even worse. "yerrr do you like that??! Yeh who's ya daddy?"   ... You really wanna know who her daddy is, dickhead? He'd beat the SHiT out of you!



Finally the only other time porn is on (besides when you're high with a group of mates) is when you've got it on in the background to try to 'set the mood' for actual sex that's happening at the time.. Don't be so FUCKiNG lazy! You wanna fuck someone, YOU turn them on, say the right things, engage with them. Don't just put a porno on and let some mouthy Alpha Male gobshite steal your thunder with his ever-hard cock pounding her ever-wet fanny. It'll most likely show you up. And if it wouldn't, why is it on in the background in the first place?!

Yours sincerely,
Some Wanker

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

TV ADVERTS: Cars, Meerkats & Fruity Jizz

Do you remember when the best adverts on tv used to be car ads? Undoubtedly. They were the most stylish, looked the most pricey to produce & if ever one came on in a cinema before the trailers started it'd give you a semi just looking at it ... even if it was a Mazda... what happened to those? I don't think I've seen a decent car ad for a long time. Possibly the last good one was the sequel advert to that cake one where they pretended to build a Skoda Fabia out of things that Fat people eat when they feel upset. 
The advert that followed on from that was for the Fabia vRS - I enjoyed that one: snakes are immense. But I sort of feel like car adverts have taken a bit of a nose-dive. Perhaps I'm wrong. But surely the appropriate demographic time slots for car adverts should be after work? (you know, aimed at people who can afford a car).  I guess I'll have to just rely on Top Gear - a show I do like a lot, but secretly want them to get over themselves and just continue to do what they do best: instead of seeming so fucking smug all the time. Having said this, they do, quite clearly, have the best job of all time. And as a final note on this: The Stig that revealed himself (Ben Collins) made a bit of a silly move.  No-one actually cares who The Stig is, it's just kind of fun to guess. As soon as you know it's revealed it's like when someone explains how a rainbow is made: ultimately disappointing and.. well... a bit gay.
 Now all I seem to see is market comparison adverts. If I see that FAT SHIT sing "Go Compare" in any sort of mild variation of an advert again I'm going to hunt him down and punch him in his chubby jaw.  I'm feeling the same way with the Compare the Meerkat.com ads (although I always preferred them over the fat Italian.)  YES, they're memorable, YES, they are self-mocking and so don't take themselves too seriously but I feel about them the same way I do about banking with Halifax or shopping at B&Q: Because I hate the adverts so much I flat out refuse to use the product or service they're selling. Consequently I have never been on a price comparison website. So thank you Go Compare & Compare the Market: you've fucked me off so much that I'm refusing to acknowledge your existence.
I saw a new advert for McDonalds the other day that lasted for far longer than it should have and showed some little shits chasing bubbles in the shape of different fruits. This carries on in a semi-artsy way until a bubble pops and you see the kids drinking their Fruitjizz (I think it's Fruitjizz?) juice drinks in a McDonalds right before the end. OH YEH, that'll work. Kids will DEFINITELY opt for the Fruit Juice Drink when they're already stuffing their pie holes with more chicken nuggets and burgers than you can shake a stick at...(never really understood that phrase) FUCK OFF McDonalds. Everyone knows you're the food scum of the earth. If our diets are our life partners then McDonalds is that crack-whore you riddle yourself with in exchange for money.  Yeh sure, it feels good at the time but afterwards you feel cheap & nasty. It's about as pointless as an advert for Heroin trying to convince you that injecting smack "provides adequate Nurse needle training" -- If that advert DID exist, I bet I know which demographic time-slot they would show that on: Somewhere between Jeremy Kyle & Cash In The Attic (day-time-layabout-benefit-cunts).

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

ATTACK OF THE Z-LISTERS


Right, ok, we get it – you’re living the dream. You’ve got:
1) a nice car
2) a bang-able girlfriend (or boyfriend)
3) lots of money
4) a decent apartment / house
AND to top it all off, you’ve got all that for doing basically sweet fuck-all apart from being in a semi-scripted “reality” show about your life. To be honest: I’d be loving it too. I’d be enjoying all the fans who like me for no reason (often despite of major character flaws such as: being unfaithful or just generally being a cunt). But what I DO NOT understand is that despite CHOOSING to be on a show format that practically begs for ridicule: you STILL feel the need to retaliate to all the sad little twats that chose to berate you on twitter. JUST IGNORE THEM. Everyone has their hate mail, even I do with my 3,700 odd followers* so I can’t imagine how much CRAP you have to sift through...

*My favourite insult from a reader once was:
Annie_Chan5: “Says more about you than the show: "Exactly the kind of gay guy I feel uncomfortable around" and insulting the appearance of a baby. Keep classing it up.” (referring to my blog about the terrifying elderly women from Sex & The City)

However, some of the responses that you give to these kids (some no older than about 13) are EMBARRASSING. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Even the supposedly nice ones of you have a mouth on you. If some little kid tells you you’re ugly or stupid or boring: just leave it. Ignore them. It's the only way

 
Greg Lake: "@cheetah560:You were the most boring person on tv since Peter Ebdon #snooker” and ur the ugliest guy I’ve seen on twitter

Yeh nice one Greg*  I looked at the avi of the person you said that to (as did tonnes of other people, I'm sure..) and it wasnt even clear which of the three boys in the avi had written to you. Granted they were all pretty ropey but my point is: all of the 3 boys looked under 16. That's not cool... Just rise above it. Don't stoop to their level. Also fuck me, if THEY were the ugliest people you've ever seen on twitter then you've had a very easy ride..
*For those of you who don't know of him, Greg was on the 1st series of Geordie Shore - our English version of the skanky Jersey Shore

Mario & Lucy from The Only Way Is Essex last night started trying to take the piss out of this guy: insulting his girlfriend and berating him for having only 77 followers (I think since the incident he's gained a few more). Now I have no idea how old that guy was. I dont really care either. I care that two (all be it beautiful) arseholes decided to retaliate over a comment about Mario's nose. (I'll ignore the fact that I can't see anything wrong with Mario's nose.)

Mario Falcone:  @Lucy_Meck @iamdortamartin watch out he has 77 followers '#army

I genuinely wonder sometimes how many followers some of these stupid fucks would have if they weren't on a reality tv show!? It's hardly as if they are particularly interesting to follow. They mainly just spaff on about where they've just been/ what free gift they've received from a desperate company or when their filming's about to start / stop or take a 5 minute break. My point basically is: yes so that kid doesn't have many followers - but he hasn't been on tv. It seems like that's literally all it takes.  Commenting on follow count is a cheap shot and it's hardly funny.. still didn't stop it getting 50+ retweets from all the arse-sucking fan beggars out there who are the same type of people that 'beg' for an RT because they 'love them sooo much'. FUCK OFF. Get a FUCKING life!? are you SERIOUS? Let me tell you, you sad little shits, these people you're begging for an RT wouldn't piss on fire to put you out. They'd walk away................and probably tweet about it.

Jaiden Michael: "@melovesmariah: @jaidenofficial "are you still clinging onto that 15 minutes since Scousewives?" U still clinging onto that 15stone of fat?

VERY GOOD JAIDEN! Oh no wait.. no it's not seeing as it doesn't make any FUCKING sense... @melovesmariah is a skinny guy and YOU are a fat shit who thinks it's clever to retort to people when there's absolutely no need.

Yes, before you say it - I know I'm being a bit of a cunt myself. But my point is this.. I'm not famous. I'm under zero obligation not to be a cunt. I don't have young fans or followers. I'd never be considered a role model for anyone (not that these people should, either)...

I think it should be inforced that if you're famous (however unnecessarily) - it should be your duty to block rather than retaliate to people who give you grief on twitter: especially if they're young. Calling someone ugly, insulting their popularity or telling them they're fat are stupid low-blows that you should have the sense to rise above. Now go on, shoo... fuck off back onto our TVs so we can laugh more at how empty & hollow your lives are. Continue to talk about dresses/fake tan/nights out/ vouchers/gifts & how long or hard your day was... and we'll all just carry on pretending like we dont just watch you to make sure we can laugh every time you fuck up royally on tv infront of a large audience.....

All The Best,
A Nobody.