TOWIE: Dogs Walking Dogs & Pipettes of Tears

Christ i hate this show at the moment - I also have no idea what they can do to salvage it. We know Mark isn't coming back so I give this show one more season then it's cancelled. It's awful.


Well despite my pleas & protests to get rid of the rank trolls that hog up too much screen time - This time they're WALKING their DOGS in a PRAM - what the FUCK was that?!  Is this some secret governmental push so that chav girls have little dogs to push instead of young children? They both irritate me so much. I don't think they've ever said something significant or funny. the little dogs are rank but it's the girls that need to be put down... 

THEN they get even more screen time by trying to console Lucy Slut-bag after she's been nosing in Mario's iPad... I think I'd rather rip my own eyes out then have to look at their moon crater faces on my tv any longer... Speaking of them trying to comfort Lucy - I feel like the new pussy way for these idiots to own up to something indirectly is just to tell it to someone else on camera and then a couple of days later when the show is released the person will find out. What's the point? So Cara (I think it's Cara.. the darker munter) says that Mario's been texting her? Well then tell your mate straight away (you know, your "mate" that's sitting on your sofa with a make-up team on standby to dose her eyes with a pipette of water so it looks like she's been crying). You're only going to look like a knob in the end anyway Cara. You dog.


I'd say this episode was very Lucy & Mario orientated. This is possibly a reason why I didn't like it that much. Lucy looks like a chipmunk when she cries. Can I draw attention to the worst bit when Mario "tries to get into his locked from door" even though it's swinging open at one point.  Luckily, previously in the episode Mario had logged onto www.rent-an-average-italian.com and ordered a standard Italian man who could pretend to be his dad and asked for  '1 x Set of Typical Phrases About Ditching a Slutty Girlfriend'. FUCK OFF MARIO. If you feel hard done by, sack up and move on. Don't torture the girl - there's no point. Just ditch the bitch & go find any of the other 40 girls that you've been emailing. (who has the time to do that?)

Meanwhile, Billie & Sam have the lamest argument I've ever seen. It's as if someone commented that they always seem like they get along so they force a fake argument out of nothing. Sam doesn't look fit when she's cross. They should keep her happy. I thought she left the show anyway? (I would've)


On a more obviously real argument - Lauren wins (in my opinion) an argument with Arg where he seems like a needy idiot. (who'd have thought it'd be that way round). Arg, You're fucking annoying. Put down the fork and hit the gym.  I don't understand why you even like Lydia. I mean yes, ok, she's the fittest girl you'll ever get when you're that round but all she does is talk about herself and she moves her mouth a funny way when she's doing it...

Meanwhile again, Gemma the fat mess tries her hand at spirituality. Don't be such a knob.  Stop trying to scrape a storyline. Try and get with Mick. It's never going to happen but at least it's a legitimate reason to stay in the show.. Speaking of.. Why is Kirks dad still there? Surely they could've played poker somewhere else... That poker night seemed to exist for the sole reason that they can 'cleverly' talk about how Mario is a 'cheat'. Good one ITV2. Good one.
I'm fairly sure they didn't play one actual game. They just set up for Mario to react like a chauvinistic prick (as if we don't see that enough)


In closing I'd like to ask... who the fuck is that Mark look-a-like on all the adverts? You know, the rubbish looking one? I'm secretly hoping they'll cut him out of every show. He looks like someone I'd have laughed at at school...

Geordie Shore: Tits, Dicks & Whores

RIGHT O! Geordie Shore is back! I’ve gotta say it’s my favourite out of all the slaggy bollocks on tv! For a start you can just TELL it’s not scripted. It’s far too raw and real. It’s just a bunch of c*nts being themselves & we have the pleasure of seeing what the fuck they get up to! Perfect!

Little bit disappointed that Greg has left. I liked him. And to clarify.. I never like ANYONE in these shows. I think you just got the overall idea that he was a bit more sound than the others. So let’s destroy them one by one

Jay: I’ve never seen someone who talks with his shoulders so much. If you don’t know what I mean watch some of the first season. It’s as if he needs to shrug his skin-covered American Football shoulder-pads in order to warm up his vocal chords. He looks like he should be a character on Gears of War. Hopefully one that dies...

Vicki: ‘Dr Jackell & Mrs Cunt’. What a knob. This girl is extremely un-likeable. Don’t be fooled by the rare glimpses of her being sweet & girly… give her a Jaegerbomb or a slap and she morphs into this butch, grim-faced, ego-fuelled man. Her face quickly goes wrong. She’s proven already that she has the fluid-sharing-morals of a mosquito. I wonder how many episodes it will take for Ricci to be balls deep in her… (Next time slut-bag… next…time)

Ricci: Greg’s direct replacement looks like an absolute knob-goblin. I don’t care that he took charlotte home when she was sad. He was probably just having a shit night.  The choir-boy-faced-man-beast has made zero impact on me.  Let’s watch the shit hit the fan in the inevitable moment when Vicki’s (presumably also bi-polar) boyfriend shows up & has a fight with him. If you’re going to ponce around in shorts that look like they’ve been lifted from the Lost & Found P.E. box at school then you aren’t a friend of mine…

Charlotte: I think someone may have possibly told this girl that she was funny at some point? She’s not. She’s an idiot. It’s rare but she’s a girl that “thinks with her vagina”… All she wants is that lad Gary’s cock in her at all times. How many more times does he have to tell her that she’s just a fuck buddy (or a “banker”) before she zips up her fanny and leaves him alone? She’s not THAT ugly. I think she’s the prettiest one out of the she-troggs on this show. She just needs to find another massive cock with a massive cock to go to the sex-shed with. When she says the name ‘Gary’ it makes the hairs stand up on the back of my cock. (I mean, neck)

Gary: the ridiculously successful-aubergine-penis-kid. That was the vegetable equivalent of his dick size wasn’t it? An aubergine? ... if it was a kiwi he’d be fucked wouldn’t he? ... Fair play to him the man obviously has a gigantic knob. I don’t like him. In fact, I think he has one of those faces that you just want to ram into a wall a couple of times until his face looks like a pizza. (still fucking cheesy but covered in red…)

 Holly: Now here’s a rarity. I’m going to defend a red-haired, big boobed, blatant slapper. I don’t fancy her (Christ no!) – I just respect the fact that she got completely dissed and dismissed pretty much the whole way through season one but stuck in there anyway for the money & moderate fame. Oh... she just fell over a pool table and now she’s spewing in the toilet. Forget I said anything... 

Rebecca: Hmmm. Personally I think she’s going to be funny to watch but her face is seriously annoying. When she speaks she looks like an early Simpsons drawing. You know, where the facial features move around an unrealistic amount. Her face is just a bit... of a mess...... you know? Her body is decent but her face definitely needs to be sent to the bagging area.

Sophie: Well she has a dildo. I think I can safely speak for everyone when I say that nobody wanted to know that. Thanks for waggling it around in front of the camera you Peter Kay-faced-munter. Grim. Her new hair looks terrible. Maybe she’s come for a second season so she can afford to colour the remaining sections of her hair ‘urine yellow’ to match the top. Thank fuck she’s got a boyfriend this time. HAHA. Imagine being her boyfriend. I’d hang myself.

James: Is gay. 100%. He’s gay. That or he’s the one stashing a kiwi sized knob & if anyone fucks him then shouts out about it his reputation will be ruined.  He’s pretty sound really but he doesn’t half look like a massive bender with his hair swept to the side and that low cut sailor top. He’s definitely one of those guys who should naturally be a bit of a fatty. You can tell it from his face. I think he fights nature on a daily basis to be in shape. Fair play to him. He'll be fucked once the roids wear off...

In closing I will state that this show is much more entertaining than TOWIE at the moment. Frankly, TOWIE can fuck off...