RETRO BLOG: How NOT to Destroy The Power Rangers And/Or the World

Thought I'd do a retro blog on The Power Rangers. I'm talking about the original rangers, the Mighty Morhin' ones, you know, the ones with the bitchin' thrash metal theme music. I didn't know what followed them until I saw a ridiculously long Power Rangers youtube video where it goes through every person in every generation. Christ, it's a big franchise. Anyway... I'm going to maintain with ZERO facts or overall knowledge that the first generation was the best... 

THE RANGERS

Redneck Ranger:

Bolshy, hot headed and dull. Talks like a broken JCB engine. He's the leader until that better guy comes along..

Touch Of Pink Ranger:

The fit one. Spends the majority of time straddling my balance beam when she's not suited in pink.

Blue Gimp Ranger:

Geeky, unsuitable loser who'd never have made the cut. I think he became a ranger by proxy of the others.. "oh, and I guess billy too.."

Yellow *sighs* oriental Ranger:

Not rewarded with a skirt despite her pink mate getting one. Apparently due to the fact all of the fighting in this show was taken from a Japanese show where the Yellow Ranger was a dude... Gutted for Trini...

Pitch Black Ranger:

One of the darkest men on telly In the 90's (darker than the Fresh Prince and his fam.) Him, the oriental ranger & Red Neck Ranger apparently requested more money to carry on - so they fired those 3 & spliced old footage of them together for the last episodes. It's hilarious watching it as an adult. Listening to the fake voice actors trying to sound like the 3 axed rangers. All the shots from the back or interactions in silhouette because they aren't really there.

Green/White/Other Ranger:

I hated this knob-head. His huge gold collar (there for no reason) really annoyed me. In fact he's SUCH a dick that for some reason I can't even get this paragraph to align to the right of his picture like I could for the others... dick! I hated his HUGE robot that matched in size and skill the other 5 rangers' robots together.. Pretty unfair. Talk about making Jason 'Red Neck Ranger's dick feel small.. And didn't he have a gay little whistle too? Nightmare.. From the youtube video I watched of all the generations it looks he he was in it for ages. Meh, I guess it's money for old rope. He looks like Ryan Reynolds with a Cher wig on...=

Advice to the Enemy: Ways to NOT kill the Power Rangers and/or destroy the earth

1) send all monsters and villains specifically to Angel Grove (the resting place of said Rangers)

2) Waste time with foot soldiers called 'putties' who explode if you touch them in the chest (or swipe close-by). 

3) Let your monster creator (who looks like the large flying dog from The Never Ending Story in disguise, see below) create a villain with a flaw of any kind. If you're creating a monster pig that wants to 'eat all of the food in the world (starting with Angel Grove, obviously) - don't make it allergic to spicy food!? How would that ever have affected India? .. Come on now.. Think about it..

4) Waste time with a small monster.. Start BIG. Let it start crushing buildings from the get-go. (have you ever noticed how many office workers must have died whilst these fights are occurring. Evacuate Angel Grove, I say)

5) Not realize that if the large monster fight lasts more than 3 minutes the Rangers will jut use their awesome-super-mega-death-sword and finish you off instantly. Work around this.

I loved the Power Rangers when I was young but I hated the following things:

1) their cross-over summersault jumps they all did when they arrived at a fight scene to discuss their plans but mainly pep each other up with stock phrases like 'Ok!' 'yeah!' 'come on!' 'let's do this!'

2) the fact that when their robots came together they were suddenly and inexplicably in the same control room sitting together despite attaching at extremely separate locations on the Mega-Zord (or whatever it was called)

3) the coloured power key they could all magically produce with their hands to control the robots despite magic being nothing to do with this show..

4) the fact they all wore their own power ranger colours when they were incognito in Angel Grove. I'm sorry but even that fat shit and his retard friend 'bulk and skull' could've worked out who their identities. "oh, i dunno, it's probably that gang of kids wearing exactly the same block colours as the Rangers themselves..."

5) they NEVER tried to find the HQ of the enemy (as far as I know) despite their own HQ getting infiltrated at one point. STOP THESE FUCKERS AT THE SOURCE.

6) they took their advice from a large, floating face.

7) their entire HQ was controlled by a small gay robot called Alpha 5 who wears Wonder Woman's pants. Make more helpers. Get Alpha 6 through 10 involved...

8) Despite requests, I was never allowed to become an official ranger.. >:(

CAST OFFS: The People That RUIN TV For Me

1) The Hulk / The Avengers

Yeh, so, he’s big, he’s bulky, he can destroy things but brute strength has got to be the shittest super hero power. It just seems so achievable. And nobody wants to be green.

2) Frodo / The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy

Such a little weiner. I’m not even sure if I’m talking about Frodo or Elijah Wood but either way his voice, face and personality does my fucking head in. GIVE THE RING TO ONE OF THE COOL ONES. For fucks sake. PS Elijah is a terrible name.

3) Harry Morgan / Dexter

Yes, ok. In the first season when the back story was centred around you your flashbacks were interesting. But since then you’ve just been there for RUBBISH interjections about ‘following the code’ or just basically being a massive fun-sponge. Your character died so many seasons ago… it’s time for you to fuck off too…

4) Jar Jar Binks / Star Wars

Undoubtedly one of the biggest mistakes in the Star Wars universe. He’s not funny, wastes time, looks powerfully annoying. Need I say more?

5) Gemma / The Only Way Is Essex

Shown here with a clown face to highlight how much of a dick she is. I’ve met her on a night out - she’s more disgusting in person. I hate the way she talks, acts, presents herself… I remember the first episode I saw her in and I thought – “This is the end... This is the end of TOWIE”

6) Carrie / Sex In The City

Ugliest mong I’ve ever seen, parading around like she’s attractive. It’s weird when the main character is the one that ruins the show but it does happen. Charlotte’s the only fit one. FACT. Also, Carrie looks a bit like Jar Jar in my picture display, HA!

7) Jaiden / Desperate Scousewives

Does it bother anyone else that NONE of them are wives but they’ve used this title? Fuck it. Jaiden’s face is extremely punch-able. I’ve read his blog.. it’s pretty fucking shit. I hate him on this show; it would do better without him.

8) Maggie Gyllenhaal / The Dark Knight

What a shit replacement for Katie Holmes? Maggie Gyllenhaal has the sex appeal of a baked potato.

9) Ricci / Geordie Shore

He’s the worst addition to the show. I hate his face, hate his attitude, hate his ethics. Mong-child. Anyone that lifts their shirt up like that for a photo should be shot instantly (by an Uzi, not a camera).

10) Craig Colton (or people like him) / The X Factor

Why don’t the fact ugly ones understand that they’ll never win? The Pop industry is more superficial than that! Just look at Adele (…if you can). Her team are trying to make her more human looking by the day…

11) Screech / Saved By The Bell

Irratating little runt that would never have been friends with the other, attractive kids. (including the bint that ended up splashing her tits around in Show Girls)

12) Billy / The Power Rangers

As IF they’d employ someone who was short sighted to be a Power Ranger. What’s he going to do - Put his contacts in mid-morph? Little gimp.

13) Snooki / Jersey Shore

Horrendous example of being famous for no reason. Disgusting excuse for a human being. Grim, sweaty, greasy, orange, fat, ugly & stupid…

14)  The EVEN Fatter One / Glee

Don’t even know her name because I didn’t watch the show past season 1. But it looks like they’ve brought in someone to make the black fat one seem less fat. Put down the fork, babe.

15) Jubilee / The X Men 90’s Cartoon

I can’t remember anyone saying that Jubilee was their favourite. I never even really worked out what she did? Indoor fireworks? She annoyed me. Her coat was too big. End of.

The Voice: Fuck It, No, The Face..

Today all I want to do is completely ignore the entire premise of The Voice (on BBC One) by commenting only on the faces of the final line-up that are heading to the live shows. Petty? Yes. Pointless? Yes. Immature? Yes. Will That Stop Me? .... I dunno, probably not.  OH and BEFORE you bang on at me about how great they are at singing and how much I've "missed the point".. I KNOW.. I KNOW they can all sing (except the friend of the once immense Amy Winehouse, may she rest in peace)

Hunger Games: Popple-Brown, The Space Weiner & All Those Extras...

Let me start off by saying that I really don't hate either the Hunger Games book or film. I watched the film first and then read it... this is, I think, the new way to experience stuff. Why? Because THIS way round, if you enjoy the film - you'll REALLY enjoy the book. I refuse to be one of those pissy, moany cunts who continuously say things like "urgh, the book is so much better, the book goes into so much more detail, the book, the book, the boook, the booooook..." SHUT UP! of COURSE the book is better!?! Give me ONE example of a book NOT being better than the film that was made from it? Don't be so fucking stupid... and on that note, I'll continue... 

Let me start, properly, by saying that in my head I can't really tell these three apart. When I watched Hunger Games I was like "oh yeh that's the girl from 'A Series of Unfortunate Events' & 'Narnia'... which I now know to be complete bollocks... I'm sure you can tell me why and how they look so different but I'm sorry - same dough-eyed expression, same hair colour (at least at one point), same slightly moony face. Meh. They are the same to me. All good, by the way.  I thought Miss Jennifer Popple-Brown (as I'll call her) did a pretty decent job of Katniss. HOWEVER, I have serious issue with the casting choice of that LITTLE weiner from that terrible sequel to Jumanji (ZATHURA) that I saw too many years ago... Urgh.. I hate that little dick. He always looks like you're just about to shoot his cat. Not a fan. Peeta is supposed to at least be likeable... Perhaps if I hadn't watched that 'straight-to-video' mess of a sequel I wouldn't have such strong opinions on how much I hate him. He probably did a good job. who knows.

I'm not going to ramble on about the fact that the movie drops out the majority of the survival elements of the book. The extreme thirst for food and water because, let's be honest, it would be pretty shit to watch a film that had lots of footage of that. There's enough action in the storyline to keep the tempo up and eliminate the extremeties of that element of it. We get it, they would be hungry and thirsty.. let's move on.

When I first watched the film (so, before I'd read the book) I was interested to find out more about the other tributes that were in the tournament. I got a bit frustrated by the mere glimpses we had of some of them - because call me sadistic but I was well aware that they'd all get killed but I at least wanted to get some small information about some others so the kills would actually have an impact on me. Neither the movie or the book provided this for me. I assume that was because both are supposed to be from the perspective of Katniss, and realistically she wouldn't have bothered to get to know all about the majority of people that she knew would have to die for her to win... but still, seeing as the movie seemed to be more from the perspective of the Capitol and it's presenters - you'd have thought we could learn at least a BIT more about the others... nevermind - I guess they were all fucked anyway...

SO - HERE ARE MY VIEWS OF ALL THE TRIBUTES (both the important ones & the extras)

District 1 - Luxury

Strange picture of these two. Glimmer doesn't look half as decent as she does on film & Marvel (who is apparantly the love child of Meg Ryan & Dennis Quaid) doesn't look half as shit...

There's about as much 'luxury' in their outfits as there is on Julian Clary. I wanted Glimmer to last longer than she did but her death scene was pretty fucking cool. Marvel, meh.

District 2 - Masonry

These two were really good. OK SO they look like terrible child costumes for the movie Gladiator but over-all and compared to the rest they haven't got off too badly.. I'm not entirely sure why they made Cato out to be such a pussy at the end of the film. There was no need for his monologue. It would've been better if he'd stayed more mysterious..

District 3 - Electronics

Ahh the mini megan fox that has the extreme close-up of her face after she dies in the cornicopia. I swear everyone else in the audience (myself included) looked at her face and thought "rrrr, that's more of a shame because she was pretty" - I think that boy is the bomb expert one but I might be wrong.

District 4 - Fishing

Dont remember the girl in the slightest but the boy.. I'm pretty sure I speak for everyone when I say that no-one expected him to last more than 5 seconds. He looks like the sort of kid that would steal someone elses 'class milk' & then bite the supply teacher...

District 5 - Power

That ginger girl was quality! FoxFace they call her in the book. Brilliant. She really deserved a better death than the one that was given to her. I actually was secretly rooting for her to win the event over Katniss or Peeta. She was nifty! Look how pissed off Boy #5 looks to have that silver thing on his head. Ahahaha.

District 6 - Transportation

Can someone please explain to me how the fuck that represents 'transportation'..

District 7 - Lumber

Lumber, paper, yeh, I get it. Don't remember these two either. i think I saw the girl in the training room at one point. Boring.. next...

District 8 - Textiles

AHAHAHA! Look at their costumes. Ahhh you must be the carney district...

District 9 - Grain

Look it's the bitchy girl in school who stabs you with a pen and then cries herself, and some small asian dude... I'd be gutted if I was representing the 'Grain' district. how lame does that sound?

District 10 - Livestock

I think I've officially seen their hats in EVERY costume or joke shop I've EVER been too.. The boy looks like he should've done better than he did. I dont remember him so he must've died early.

District 11 - Agriculture

OHH WOW THEY'RE BOTH BLACK, THAT MEANS THE WHOLE DISTRICT MUST BE BLACK.. OOOOH HOW RACIST - fuck off.. it's a coincidence. stop making a big deal out of nothing. I hate people who say that sort of thing. PS. Rue was well cast.

District 12 - Coal Mining

Oh it's those two. The couple from District "Blatant-Favouritism". Yawn.

I'm looking forward to the sequel. I read ahead & have high hopes for it. I especially want to see some of the old granny tributes with low-hanging boobs in latex for the chariot scene. BEAUT! HA!

MOVIES: How To Be a CUNT at The Cinema or at Home

RIGHT, I thought I'd write out some rules explaining how to REALLY PISS ME OFF whilst watching a film either at the cinema or in front of the TV.

If you want to kill me, please do any of the following 20 things:

AT HOME:
1) Talk loudly about irrelevant things to someone else in the room whether or not they're trying to watch the film itself
2) Spoil plotlines if you've seen the film/tv series before, then try and cover for it by saying EVEN MORE in order to make it seem like you HADNT just fucked the film/tv show up for everyone
3) Eat dinner whilst a movie is on by turning on the main light and destroying any atmosphere..
4) Explain why this movie isn't as good as another one you have seen then describe the other film completely
5) Fart, loudly, then laugh, then talk about it...
6) Continually walk in and out of the room clearing your dinner plates away even though you usually wouldn't at any other time.
7) Pause the movie often to ask what's happening in it. This especially applies to Bond films. WHO THE FUCK CAN'T FOLLOW A BOND FILM!?
8) Change the channel immediately without hesitation or get in a cuntsweat because you can't watch what you want
9) Sit there massaging your girlfriend, kissing your girlfriend, cuddling your girlfriend or arguing with your girlfriend whilst in close proximity of other people who couldn't give a shit.
10) let your visiting girlfriend choose the movie...

AT THE CINEMA:
1) Buy & eat popcorn in a loud, grazey way (no other way is possible)
2) Laugh louder than your average laugh
3) Buy a hotdog -- I seriously dont understand the appeal of these things, whilst sat in the dark, considering it's over before the first trailer
4) Drink a slurpy drink right until the end through an extremely loud straw..
5) Shout out anything. TRUST ME. even if people laugh, EVERYONE hates you
6) Have a large haircut or hat on and sit anywhere but in the back row
7) Have a very unsubtle fondle with some spade-faced, acne ridden, rank girl who doesn't really want to anyway and giggles like a horse on crack...
8) Comment loudly about anything to do with the film. This is different from No. 5 seeing as No.5 usually happens before the lights have even gone down in the room.
9) Throw items of food. Jokes on you mate, you want to throw popcorn around? do you remember how much it cost to buy? you might as well be throwing fucking gold dust. Fucking prick...
LASTLY..
10) Make any comment about why the book is better, which BITS the film has missed out & why the actors aren't portraying the characters 'as you saw them in the book'.
why? - of course they're going to miss bits out, unless you want the film to be 8 hours long... & the actors MOST LIKELY agree with you if the book was well written, but they've been TOLD to act the character that way by their director. So blame him.. oh and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

That is all. thanks for listening x.