TV ADVERTS: Cars, Meerkats & Fruity Jizz

Do you remember when the best adverts on tv used to be car ads? Undoubtedly. They were the most stylish, looked the most pricey to produce & if ever one came on in a cinema before the trailers started it'd give you a semi just looking at it ... even if it was a Mazda... what happened to those? I don't think I've seen a decent car ad for a long time. Possibly the last good one was the sequel advert to that cake one where they pretended to build a Skoda Fabia out of things that Fat people eat when they feel upset. 

The advert that followed on from that was for the Fabia vRS - I enjoyed that one: snakes are immense. But I sort of feel like car adverts have taken a bit of a nose-dive. Perhaps I'm wrong. But surely the appropriate demographic time slots for car adverts should be after work? (you know, aimed at people who can afford a car).  I guess I'll have to just rely on Top Gear - a show I do like a lot, but secretly want them to get over themselves and just continue to do what they do best: instead of seeming so fucking smug all the time. Having said this, they do, quite clearly, have the best job of all time. And as a final note on this: The Stig that revealed himself (Ben Collins) made a bit of a silly move.  No-one actually cares who The Stig is, it's just kind of fun to guess. As soon as you know it's revealed it's like when someone explains how a rainbow is made: ultimately disappointing and.. well... a bit gay.

 Now all I seem to see is market comparison adverts. If I see that FAT SHIT sing "Go Compare" in any sort of mild variation of an advert again I'm going to hunt him down and punch him in his chubby jaw.  I'm feeling the same way with the Compare the Meerkat.com ads (although I always preferred them over the fat Italian.)  YES, they're memorable, YES, they are self-mocking and so don't take themselves too seriously but I feel about them the same way I do about banking with Halifax or shopping at B&Q: Because I hate the adverts so much I flat out refuse to use the product or service they're selling. Consequently I have never been on a price comparison website. So thank you Go Compare & Compare the Market: you've fucked me off so much that I'm refusing to acknowledge your existence.

I saw a new advert for McDonalds the other day that lasted for far longer than it should have and showed some little shits chasing bubbles in the shape of different fruits. This carries on in a semi-artsy way until a bubble pops and you see the kids drinking their Fruitjizz (I think it's Fruitjizz?) juice drinks in a McDonalds right before the end. OH YEH, that'll work. Kids will DEFINITELY opt for the Fruit Juice Drink when they're already stuffing their pie holes with more chicken nuggets and burgers than you can shake a stick at...(never really understood that phrase) FUCK OFF McDonalds. Everyone knows you're the food scum of the earth. If our diets are our life partners then McDonalds is that crack-whore you riddle yourself with in exchange for money.  Yeh sure, it feels good at the time but afterwards you feel cheap & nasty. It's about as pointless as an advert for Heroin trying to convince you that injecting smack "provides adequate Nurse needle training" -- If that advert DID exist, I bet I know which demographic time-slot they would show that on: Somewhere between Jeremy Kyle & Cash In The Attic (day-time-layabout-benefit-cunts).

ATTACK OF THE Z-LISTERS

Right, ok, we get it – you’re living the dream. You’ve got:
1) a nice car
2) a bang-able girlfriend (or boyfriend)
3) lots of money
4) a decent apartment / house
AND to top it all off, you’ve got all that for doing basically sweet fuck-all apart from being in a semi-scripted “reality” show about your life. To be honest: I’d be loving it too. I’d be enjoying all the fans who like me for no reason (often despite of major character flaws such as: being unfaithful or just generally being a cunt). But what I DO NOT understand is that despite CHOOSING to be on a show format that practically begs for ridicule: you STILL feel the need to retaliate to all the sad little twats that chose to berate you on twitter. JUST IGNORE THEM. Everyone has their hate mail, even I do with my 3,700 odd followers* so I can’t imagine how much CRAP you have to sift through...

*My favourite insult from a reader once was:
Annie_Chan5: “Says more about you than the show: "Exactly the kind of gay guy I feel uncomfortable around" and insulting the appearance of a baby. Keep classing it up.” (referring to my blog about the terrifying elderly women from Sex & The City)

However, some of the responses that you give to these kids (some no older than about 13) are EMBARRASSING. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Even the supposedly nice ones of you have a mouth on you. If some little kid tells you you’re ugly or stupid or boring: just leave it. Ignore them. It's the only way

 

Greg Lake: "@cheetah560:You were the most boring person on tv since Peter Ebdon #snooker” and ur the ugliest guy I’ve seen on twitter

Yeh nice one Greg*  I looked at the avi of the person you said that to (as did tonnes of other people, I'm sure..) and it wasnt even clear which of the three boys in the avi had written to you. Granted they were all pretty ropey but my point is: all of the 3 boys looked under 16. That's not cool... Just rise above it. Don't stoop to their level. Also fuck me, if THEY were the ugliest people you've ever seen on twitter then you've had a very easy ride..
*For those of you who don't know of him, Greg was on the 1st series of Geordie Shore - our English version of the skanky Jersey Shore

Mario & Lucy from The Only Way Is Essex last night started trying to take the piss out of this guy: insulting his girlfriend and berating him for having only 77 followers (I think since the incident he's gained a few more). Now I have no idea how old that guy was. I dont really care either. I care that two (all be it beautiful) arseholes decided to retaliate over a comment about Mario's nose. (I'll ignore the fact that I can't see anything wrong with Mario's nose.)

Mario Falcone:  @Lucy_Meck @iamdortamartin watch out he has 77 followers '#army

I genuinely wonder sometimes how many followers some of these stupid fucks would have if they weren't on a reality tv show!? It's hardly as if they are particularly interesting to follow. They mainly just spaff on about where they've just been/ what free gift they've received from a desperate company or when their filming's about to start / stop or take a 5 minute break. My point basically is: yes so that kid doesn't have many followers - but he hasn't been on tv. It seems like that's literally all it takes.  Commenting on follow count is a cheap shot and it's hardly funny.. still didn't stop it getting 50+ retweets from all the arse-sucking fan beggars out there who are the same type of people that 'beg' for an RT because they 'love them sooo much'. FUCK OFF. Get a FUCKING life!? are you SERIOUS? Let me tell you, you sad little shits, these people you're begging for an RT wouldn't piss on fire to put you out. They'd walk away................and probably tweet about it.

Jaiden Michael: "@melovesmariah: @jaidenofficial "are you still clinging onto that 15 minutes since Scousewives?" U still clinging onto that 15stone of fat?

VERY GOOD JAIDEN! Oh no wait.. no it's not seeing as it doesn't make any FUCKING sense... @melovesmariah is a skinny guy and YOU are a fat shit who thinks it's clever to retort to people when there's absolutely no need.

Yes, before you say it - I know I'm being a bit of a cunt myself. But my point is this.. I'm not famous. I'm under zero obligation not to be a cunt. I don't have young fans or followers. I'd never be considered a role model for anyone (not that these people should, either)...

I think it should be inforced that if you're famous (however unnecessarily) - it should be your duty to block rather than retaliate to people who give you grief on twitter: especially if they're young. Calling someone ugly, insulting their popularity or telling them they're fat are stupid low-blows that you should have the sense to rise above. Now go on, shoo... fuck off back onto our TVs so we can laugh more at how empty & hollow your lives are. Continue to talk about dresses/fake tan/nights out/ vouchers/gifts & how long or hard your day was... and we'll all just carry on pretending like we dont just watch you to make sure we can laugh every time you fuck up royally on tv infront of a large audience.....

All The Best,
A Nobody.

Made In Chelsea: Killed In Order

The majority of what I'm about to say is based on their looks. But, let's face it - this cast have the emotional depth of a teaspoon...and they were ALL born with golden teaspoons...sticking out of their arses...

1) Terrifying feline faced little bitch. Really dislike her. Thinks she's extremely attractive when in reality she looks like a badly disguised Thundercat or an Avatar with normal skin.

2) A man who embodies all of the reasons why you hate public school dickheads. His face is extremely punchable. Hate the way he talks. He just said "Coinci-mental". FUCK OFF.

3) Rich, average looking slapper who wears too much make up and who makes terrible decisions. One of which is the idea to sleep with a weasel disguised as a human. She's getting hotter though..

4) She doesn't bother me too much. This is a pretty bad picture of her though. Her voice makes my willy tingle a bit. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

5) Afore-mentioned weasel incognito. He walked up beside me outside my work a month or two ago wearing a union jack waistcoat. Tosser.

6) I think I officially hate this guy. Such a knob. Another person who thinks he's attractive. He's not. Not even a little bit. He's completely average. Cutting his stupid hair was a good idea. Doesn't change the douche face though. He's also a terrible boyfriend and even worse friend. One of these days he's going to get his head kicked in and I wont even apologise...

7) *sigh* ... she's quite man-ish. No, I know, it's a guy. More accurately it's a model. Ridiculous. Who wants to take a photo of a man who has nostrils that point outwards? He's a smarmy cunt too.  I geninely think he's ugly. If he actually WAS a girl, her name would be Gertrude and she would wear glasses & work in a library.

8) Seems normal compared to the others. Dont expect her to smile at you in a club or stop a car if you're in the way on Fulham Road... she's still a dick.

9) In my opinion, the fittest one. She's cool & I like that she's got a bit of meat on her, I think it suits her. She's thick as pig shit though...

10) "What you like cock, aswell? That's a surprise" - No one, ever.

11) In the last episode I saw, this horse faced, ginormous chinned "beauty" clearly had her hair attacked by crayons or skittles & was singing "Haabuulieeevve haabuulieeeve" in a really REALLY annoying mock-Christina Aguilera way that was literally killing me. I hate the quivery voice style of singing. It's rank & just sounds like the person is cold. She puts the 'cunt' in 'annoying'. I know that doesn't make any sense...but that just shows how much of a cunt she is...
12) The 'Carrie Bradshaw' of Made In Chelsea. We all know my opinion on Bradshaw.. I think this one looks like the "cool" mum who's getting involved all the time. I can't believe she's not 37.

*Some cast members have been eliminated because I'm not bothered by them,

 I dont know who they are or I've spoken about them before*

1)  Far too blonde. Says all of the things that no one should ever say to anyone they like. Talks about banks and money too much. Wore his baseball cap backwards on his head. Gimp.

2) I dont understand the appeal of this girl. If someone can inform me as to why she's attractive then I'll be most obliged.
3) She's beautiful. Apparantly a devote Christian. She wasn't that loyal to God when I had her legs in the air the other day...

and FINALLY....

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?!?!.........

A truly horrendous girl who looks like Victoria Beckham has been cross-bred with a monster from the Alien Series. She apparantly owns "30 pairs of Christian Louboutin heels" - that's good love, but what are you going to do about your face?

SATC: The Witch, The Relic, The Lesbo & The Fitty

The other day I was in hell:

‏

@JoeThompson_ Too hungover to move, cant find the tv remote, tv stuck on comedy central on a Sex & The City marathon. I'm ending it all, here, right now.

5th May

But instead of shooting myself in the face (as any other red blooded man would) I decided to mentally obliterate the 3 munters onscreen (and Charlotte) & was reminded of a time long since forgotten when I used to be made to watch the show with my ex-girlfriend. I'm going to treat you, the reader, as someone who has never seen it before - and explain it from MY point of view...

The Characters:

Carrie Bradshaw

Main character and narrator. Writer living in New York*SEE BELOW*(something that she insists on reminding everyone every 5 seconds). Proud 'sex columnist' who continually writes about her best friends' lives, airing their dirty, elderly, laundry in public. "Finds Herself Wondering..." far too many times. Makes ridiculous comparions between fashion & real life like "Are men like a broken heel? You can try and fix them but they'll just break again?" (not an actual quote).  When younger she could've passed for stylish, but in the later series she looks like a runaway horse that's charged it's way into the Accessories department of Forever 21 via the sale rail. Makes all the wrong decisions and definately deserves to end up with a weasel faced arse she calls BIG. Considering Family Guy once described Sarah Jessica Parker's face as a 'FOOT' - they make BIGFOOT. I like it. It's ugly & shouldn't be seen in public. Very fitting. The only thing Sarah Jessica Parker should be cast in is witch related things. She looked better in Hocus Pocus. Then again, her onscreen competition in that film was Bette Midler & the fat fuck from Sister Act.

*I read a statistical analysis of New York's Crime rates of the year 2011 - and this sentance cropped up: "Slightly up this year: rapes, robberies, felony assaults & shootings" .. I loved the casual writing stance that was taken in this report. "Slightly up this year: rape..." I read it with the same tone as "slightly affected this weekend: the District Line" *

Samantha Jones
Ancient slut who gets cancer. Now, that sounds blunt - and it is. The only storyline that didn't make me want to gauge my eyes out was when she went through cancer. Before that she was just the light pornographic releif who had a tit shot in very nearly every episode. Gets "fat" at one point by hunching over more and wearing tighter jeans - the girls have an intervention with her about it. Makes continual innapropriate innuendos whilst people are trying to eat. None of them are funny. Ends up with a guy who ages very badly. Spent an entire episode fapping, fudding & plapping herself because she thought she'd "Lost her orgasm". Brilliant writing :/

Miranda Hobbes (The Ginge who's clearly a lesbo)

Extremely sarcastic. Deserves any of the bad things that happen to her. Has a hideous fat pig baby. Spends an episode declaring that she can 'get into her skinny jeans' despite her ass looking as wide as a 50" television set. Gets with dorky, chumpy, stupid voiced guy named 'Steve' who wears glasses and sounds like he should be a voice on the Rugrats. She's Pale & grim. If Anne Robinson had a baby, put on a few pounds then sat in a park with a fork this would be the photo...

 I'm really not a massive fan of girls with short hair. I just think basic rules apply. Girls should have long hair & men should have short hair. Simple. you listening EMMA WATSON?! Huh?
Don't do it to yourself...Having said this, Miranda gets longer hair as the show goes on and still manages to look ropey so I guess it's a lose/lose for her. At least she can stand out with a public school-boy buzzcut.

Charlotte York

The fittest Jew, ever. I think I saw her in Friends once... she was fit then too. She's just hot. She looks and has looked the best out of all of them by a considerable margin. Ends up with a fat, bald-headed jew - assumbly to show that she is a good person with substance greater than exterior beauty. She then shouts at him telling him that he should marry her quickly because people stare at them and wonder how he got her. So yeh.. she's also a cunt. Weds a guy with an erectile problem after chosing not to sleep with him before they are married. Her fault. That's a terrible idea.

The Only Man Written Slightly Well
I've already explained how much i dislike BIG and to be honest, the other male characters dont really provide much. Carrie's gay, mouse-faced friend Stanford (?) is fucking annoying. Exactly the kind of gay guy I feel uncomfortable around. In my humble & often aired opinion - the only male character written even slightly close to how a real man acts and behaves is - Aidan, the Lumberjack guy (not an actual lumberjack). He's in it for a season or two. He also makes a cameo in the second movie (clearly because he was the only way to get people to watch it). All around nice guy who puts up with all of Carrie's STUPID FUCKING SHIT. He deserves a medal. maybe he can carve one out of wood with his bare hands or something... From a character point of view I was really glad for him that he chewed his leg out of that hideous, witch-faced bear-trip. RUN AIDAN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

The Apprentice: Same Stupid Twats, Different Year

I watch the Apprentice every year.. Actually that's I lie.. I started watching The Apprentice the year that fitty Liz Locke was on it.  It wasn't directly because of her but she was definately a selling point of that year (..What was that now? about 2/3 years ago?)... The year that grouchy, cold, boring, blonde girl won it... Guinness, I think, was her name. Fosters? .. Ahh Stella. That blonde guy who came second that year (the one who looked like Edward Cullen mixed with 'Some Posh Twat') - Chris Bates now works on my street. I pass him most days. He's an arrogant cock. One of those Z-listers who thinks everyone's looking at him when actually nobody cares. He sighs when he enters a shop for literally no reason.  You literally know he's in there by his sigh. Dick.
After that season ended I started watching the earlier years (yes through uTorrent, yes I know it's illegal, no I don't care) and have carried on watching it since. I'm not entirely sure why I bothered. The formula is exactly the same except they've binned off the white haired old lady who looks like the fat broody chicken from Disney's Robin Hood (or any of the characters from Chicken Run) and replaced her with a square-jawed slightly younger lady (techically they've just switched rolls from being one of the 4 interviewers towards the end of the show to Sir Alan's right-hand-woman and vice versa). The two side-kicks of Sir Alan irratate me slightly. I bet they make two statements regarding key moments in each challenge one being postive & one negative and just choose the right one to place in depending on which team wins the task... A lot of the things they suggest are fairly subjective but they always seem to have a very strong opinion of it. I'd like to see them be wrong... at least once..
It all just seems to end up being a bit pointless. Nearly every 'winning' candidate seems to leave very soon after being employed or gets done over in one way or another.. There's a reason why the new seasons dont start with any success stories of the old lot, they're all fucked!

Every Season There Always Seems To Be A Task: 
1) ...Involving rubbish or something that looks like poo. It's possibly just a ploy by Sir Alan to see the hotter female candidates get a bit mucky. I imagine he has first dibs on the raw footage of this. It's a really gash way of showing that treasures can be found in garbage. Just like Sir Alan was found in a bin somewhere..
2) ...Involving Food. Usually a fast food restaurant or some food cart of some kind. Give up. People in the city buy their food from either Pret, Eat, Wasabi or Boots. (it seems.) This task always has some brainiac who thinks it's a good idea to sell some really obscure food choice like "Pigs Liver Sandwiches with Mustard" or something. If you're selling to the masses pick something more generic.. it's not rocket science you twats...most office-goers in London are in a daze come lunchtime and just want to make a speedy, bewildered trip to their regular eatery before returning back to their shit life - I mean work.
3) ...Involving Product Buying then Selling New Inventions: I have nothing much to say to this except that this episode is cut the same way every year.. Look for the product that everyone wants - this will turn out to be the least commercially viable. The team that wins this product will lose the task. End of.
4) ...With A Rat Race Around London To Find Obscure Items: I can't decide if they aren't allowed to use the internet or if they are all just too stupid to consider looking the items up? Even if you aren't allowed to use your mobile phones like that, go to an internet cafe.. (They still exist... probably... )  This is a task where it's absolutely the Team Captain's fault if it goes wrong. Deligate properly... stop fucking about. What are the odds you are going to find a golden bum-hole poker just walking down a street in Broadway Market (... quite high actually..)  ALSO. for ONCE can people remember that it doesn't matter if you dont get ALL of the items, just bargin properly on the ones you DO get.. find two or three locations of each item. For the love of GOD.
5) ...Where The Candidates Go To A Foreign Country: To encounter the problems of a language barrier. There's always one token candidate who can speak a little bit of say, French, who then gets the full responsibility to carry the whole team. This is always blatently unfair - but depending on the cockiness of said candidate - it's sometimes fun watching them crash and burn under their own ego...

This year's candidates:
(I hadn't seen the latest episode. Good thing the website just gave away who got fired...)