Tool Academy: Take 1 Bloke & 1 Slapper & Mix



So this year, the Tools thought they were in a competition to win a shag with that fit Welsh slapper, who's name I can't remember. That one from Big Brother. The thing is - that's not that stupid a concept to believe. Isn't she the one that fucked Ryan Giggs? So she's clearly got the taste and morals of a hyena with a blood-lust and a massive penis... She'd do anything to get into the spotlight - so I wouldn't be surprised if the tv production company also tricked her into thinking she was presenting a real show. Also. She can't present for shit. I swear I saw the year she was on Big Brother - she never talked like such a retard on that.... It woz liiike she woz ouuuver Wehhhlllshh faw naw reazon

As every year goes by I find it harder and harder to believe that the contestants do not know they will be on Tool Academy. Does it not phaze them that there clearly isn't a show called 'The Man Games' in real life? Or that the thing is televised so either way their girlfriend will find out about what they're doing? Any intelligent couple who can act like he's a player and she's a hard-done-by girlfriend (who happens to dress like a fit slapper) could easier blag their way onto this show... and have an 'epiphany' halfway through then win. That's what I would do. But then again I can't even think of what my Tool Name would be? 'Blogger Tool' sounds like I've just shat myself... 

Anyway. I have a good feeling about this new lot - and below are my first impressions of them all.

PS. I wont say who (because I haven't worked out who belongs to who yet...but some of their girlfriends are WELL ropey!!) haha.

X FACTOR: Same Shit, Different Year (Edition 2)

So here you go, see below for a quick round-up of this years X Factor Losers (with the exception of a few).

I wont say that there is no talent this year because that would be wrong. There clearly is. But does anybody else feel slightly short-changed? Remember back in the year when Alexandra Burke won it? (including Diana Vickers, JLS, Laura White, Austin Drage etc.) That year was great. I genuinely felt like I had no idea who was going to win the show. I felt the same on the year with Cher Lloyd, One Direction, Rebecca Furgerson etc. (who won that year? I dunno..) - It was a really hard one to call.

THIS year, there are a good 5 or 6 acts that need to fuck off before it gets interesting, which means that ultimately apart from showcasing the talent that the others clearly all have - it's just a slow race towards any sort of moment where things will matter. Ok, ok, I know that Caroline Poole's exit was a bit of a 'controversy' but did anyone actually think that she could win it? Nah, me neither. So why delay the inevitable? Same with that Melanie Masson. Nice enough lady... but she would never have won the show. My ears are thanking her exit.

The important inclusion this year is the chance for the acts to perform their own material or alter the pre-existing material with their own rapping. I like this element. It's a chance to see what they would actually be doing when this is over. Just look at James Arthur (If you can) - or the epic Lucy Spraggan.  They could go far after this. Just as long as the wrong label doesn't try and make them go the way of old husky yeller - Diana Vickers. I genuinely liked her on the show. She was cool, floaty, calm & natural. Up until about Week 4 she was nailing it every week - then she got a throat infection and it went downhill from there. Remember when she came back 2 years later looking like a slightly downy- plump Cheryl Cole for that mental circus song she did? "OOPS CANNA DABULA GEELING" - or something. People said it was a copy of Under The Bridge by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. No. No it wasn't. Don't insult the RHCP's like that... Whoever turned her into that sort of act should be shot. Just saying.