TOWIE: The Outstandingly Wank Initial Episode (of Season 4)

The Outstandingly Wank Initial Episode

(of Season 4)

Where do I begin? Oh at the beginning? The opening credits where always cheesier than a pikey's condom but the new style looks like its trying to channel the Take Me Out titles by way of James Bond  (assuming Bond had lost any of his style & sophistication) using Microsoft PowerPoint. The music is fucked too. Sounds like Gemma's sat on a synthesiser.. Plus at the very end we're subjected to that hilariously unfunny sqawk from one of the ugliest cast members in that scene in the last series when her hideous little rat dog urinated a luminous yellow spray onto her white rug. Why this sound clip has been repeated is beyond me.


Speaking of that gross, blonde, ugly toad girl am I to understand that her and other one are becoming main cast members? Which producers did they suck off to get this?! They're terrible... I can't believe they subjected us to Dog Aerobics last night. FUCK. OFF. 

Right next. Joeys best mate 'Diags' (or however you spell it). Cretin. I think you could physically see the girls grimace when he went in for a cheek kiss at Faces. I don't blame them.  He looks like someone has stolen Quasimodo and tried to ingratiate him into modern society. Embarrassing. 

I had an argument with my housemate after this episode finished where I was trying to explain that Mark's departure is going to effect the entire show. I'm right. He was a pivotal character that tied a few of the groups together. Plus he was a knob but above all a likeable one.. Same with Kirk. He was also a bit of a fanny but still likeable (at least a bit). We are left with Mario... An absolute Wang-child. I can't shake the fact he looks like Gomez from The Addams Family.. He should sack up and realise that if he wants to date the gorgeous slapper Lucy then he should get over himself and stop trying to get one-ups on her all the time.. The best she could do was tell a powerfully unfunny piece of advice about 'farting on your boyfriends willy because they leave the toilet seat up'... Who writes this stuff? And yes. It is scripted. Occasionally the cast might get so wound up/pissed off or sad at the situation that they might step away from script and cry or shout more (which makes better tv) but for the most part.. It's all scripted. Watch closely and you can see the other "characters" on screen mouthing the other persons words before it is their turn again to speak... Twats. But why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you get involved in a show where you have to "be yourself" and get showered with requests and interviews for Love It, More, Pick Me Up & Suck Me Off magazines? 


This will soon happen to that new girl (can't remember her name) - and she WILL fall for it all. Yeh she might be the 'cool' one who wears jeans in a nightclub just because she's so fit she can get away with it (unlike Chloe, Frankie (?), Lauren-The-Alien-Lightbulb-Head & definitely the whopping great big Gemma.) -- but soon she will be wearing all the glamorous shit etc. yeh yeh she's very fit but she'd look butters standing next to Lucy or ... Well just Lucy. 

Lauren Goodyer, without Mark there to complain about, bitch about, frig herself over.. has decided (or it has been decided for her) that she is now 'close' with Lydia. She offered the remarkable advice of 'mmhmm' in their scene together and opened her gobby, chubby mouth when it wasn't needed at Lydia's birthday meal. Thank god her long standing feud with Lucy (the one who Her ex-fiancé cheated on her with) seems to have just been forgotten about.. However weird that might be?


Mark had the 'Wright' idea (ahem) - build a show up, get what you can from it, be a villain if they want you to be then fuck off down a jungle with a coke head bass guitarist from a shit boy-band and a fit Aussie with peach coloured hair (and a peachy arse) that we'll never see again...


I believe now he's doing the side show to Take Me Out. And yes.. That IS a step up in the world... Why? .. Because Paddy McGuiness is a legend...


"Let The Pikey - See The Pounds"

For(e) Skins - My Problem with E4's Skins

Ok, to mark the 2nd episode of the 6th Season of Skins (that is on as I type) I thought I'd explain why I'm not the biggest fan of Skins anymore...

I feel like I have to defend it too much. When my mates are telling that it's shit, aimed at 15/16 year olds etc (which is exactly true) I tell them that any show that brought Emily Fitch (from the 2nd Generation) to my attention should be hailed as great because she's very fit. Even her twin sister got fit by their second series (season 4)...

The problem is that now we are in the 3rd Generation, it's becoming harder & harder to like any of the cast. this has a lot to do with me getting older - but I think it's also that the new lot are rubbish.

Rich displays about as much emotional depth as a dildo & has only slightly improved due to his Taylor Lautiner style hair cutting makeover. This episode, so far, sucks balls by the way...

Alo looks like the sort of kid who would steal all of your milk at school and then laugh like a thick person without blinking. his clothing style is so bad sometimes it makes me feel a bit ill. Plus he's far too pale.

Grace is boring, Mini's accent gets in the way of her being fit, Nick is a crap actor, his wide-eyed-unblinking brother is the most annoying character on any tv show, Liv just said "I thought you were metal" so I hate her. Now she's crying. Fuck my life this show is shit... Frankie is the only character with any shred of an interesting quality but I'd still replace her with any of the 2nd Generation (except JJ or Thomas) in a heartbeat.

Having said all of this, I hated the 1st Generation more than either of the other two purely because of that actor who played the irritating little shit from About A Boy. I don't care that he got older. His face was still FUCKING annoying. (if it wasn't for him I'd have liked the 1st Gens the best.. their stories were the best and for some reason I really liked that strange episode with that fucked up girl Sketch)

I honestly don't know why I watch this shit any more. Unless the next episode includes guest appearances of Emily, Katie, Effy (even though she's a fucking knob), Naomi, Michelle & Mini (muted) all lezzing off together I'm calling it a day on the world of Skins.

Join me wont you?

TV Shows I Love To Hate & Why I Have a Duct Taped Face

Aaaaaaaaah my very own blog! A place where I can let the tape come off and watch the dog-shit fly around the place. I wont pretend that any of this will be worth reading. I never pretended that my twitter stuff @JoeThompson_ was worth following either! (www.twitter.com/joethompson_) I mainly just piss and moan about things on TV – but seeing as the majority of my followers are British I’m pretty sure that’s where everyone feels their most comfortable…

So, with that in mind - here are the TV Shows that I admit I watch / Will be watching:

Desperate Scousewives

A cast of either unlike-able or pointless people. Strangely addictive but I can’t work out why. The title screen looks like a bunch of fidgety Jail-baits about to get raped.

The Only Way Is Essex

(or The Quickly Diminishing Cast of Plastic Faced Losers’ club)

This show is fucked now that Mark Wright has left. Enough Said.

Take Me Out

About 28 skanks & 2 fitties narcissistically choosing who is worthy of leaving their light on for & then getting binned off anyway)

The Apprentice

the same EXACT program every single year where contestants pretend to be respectable businessmen/women & make the same mistakes as their predecessors displaying no prior-knowledge of the show.

I’m A Celebrity: Get Me Out Of Here

A hilarious insight into the extent of what Z-listers (and one token former A-Lister) will do to be back on television. Shamefully I actually enjoyed last years show far more than I should have..

Jersey Shore

The biggest scums of the universe, with amazing accents & an even more impressive take on what is important in life. It’s like Geordie Shore on glue with a van full of steroids.

Geordie Shore

The kid brother of Jersey Shore where the housemates are slightly more likeable but the small girl continually talking about how she’s being rammed with a cock the size of a parsnip will make you feel a bit sick. She’s about 2 stone heavy and it usually makes her walk funny for the next day or two.

The X Factor

A televised social experiment that puts genuine talent under pressure by forcing them to attempt genres of music they’d never have to encounter in their real life e.g. Disco Week

Love In The Wild

My tip for some great television. It’ll be like I’m A Celebrity meets Tool Academy …outstanding. Attractive People + Jungle Tasks = 250% Banter & 1% Intelligence to Share Out Between Them…

The Voice

Hailed as being the new X Factor killer. Apparently this show will be focusing on the contestants voices instead of their looks. Watch as a couple of Susan Boyles are put through to prove a point, only to be gunned off when their singing faces make the children in the audience cry in a later round.  Ironically, this show is judged by singers who are largely considered as attractive (like Jessie J that weiner from the Script)

Playing It Straight

A show that deems it ok to not be yourself if you stand to earn a shit load of cash. The gay ones are normally extremely easy to determine following the basic strategy that the producers have put in the gayest seeming straight guys and the straightest seeming gay guys. It’s all in the voice anyway. They should consider a collaboration with the show above…

Big Brother & Celebrity Big Brother

I don’t need to explain how brilliant, trashy, disgusting & amazing this show is. I cant believe it’s been stolen and raped by channel 5. I never thought I’d actually MISS Davina McCall but Brian Dowling is so terrible he makes my fanny sting.

Skins

Contains the continual use of the word ‘spliff’ in the context ‘can I have some spliff’, ‘where’s my spliff’ or ‘someone stole our spliff’ – phrases which nobody uses in real life. The show took a massive nose-dive in the 5^th season but the 1^st episode of the 6^th season was good. I never liked Gracie anyway…

Shows That Can Fuck Off:

Made In Chelsea (!!!)

Strictly Come Dancing

Britain ’s Got Talent

So You Think You Can Dance?

Got To Dance

Dancing On Ice

The Cube

Deal Or No Deal

… the list goes on…

 I have no shame in what fills up my Sky Planner. Considering I spent the majority of my time ripping into these shows I don’t feel like I’m actually associated with them. I’m choosing to ignore the fact that I’m sad enough to watch them – I’m assuming it’s ok as it’s all in the name of comedy (sure…)

My Duct Taped Face

I thought I’d explain why I continually have pictures with Duct Tape across my face.

It’s a mixture of two things –

1) Its in honour of the NOH8 campaign. It’s a worthy cause, and I think everyone has the right to get married to the person if they’re lucky/stupid enough to fall in love. I also think it’s weird that anyone has the right to stop them?  I might be a cunt, but I’m not a homophobe…

2) Sometimes I genuinely need to shut my fucking mouth. No one has the right to make anyone feel like a twat for no good reason.  I’m also aware that I do this on a regular basis… so my picture is my acknowledgement that I’m one of the twats that should shut the fuck up.

The duct tape will play a bigger part later this year when I unveil a master project that I’m currently involved in. The BFD Project will start by being humiliating, laughable, grotesque & shameful but evolve into something fit, enviable, jealous-inducing & brilliant…

The project will include:

Videos, Rihanna, Duct Tape, YouTube, Dancing & Nakedness.

Intrigued?

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