TOWIE: The Outstandingly Wank Initial Episode (of Season 4)

The Outstandingly Wank Initial Episode

(of Season 4)

Where do I begin? Oh at the beginning? The opening credits where always cheesier than a pikey's condom but the new style looks like its trying to channel the Take Me Out titles by way of James Bond  (assuming Bond had lost any of his style & sophistication) using Microsoft PowerPoint. The music is fucked too. Sounds like Gemma's sat on a synthesiser.. Plus at the very end we're subjected to that hilariously unfunny sqawk from one of the ugliest cast members in that scene in the last series when her hideous little rat dog urinated a luminous yellow spray onto her white rug. Why this sound clip has been repeated is beyond me.


Speaking of that gross, blonde, ugly toad girl am I to understand that her and other one are becoming main cast members? Which producers did they suck off to get this?! They're terrible... I can't believe they subjected us to Dog Aerobics last night. FUCK. OFF. 

Right next. Joeys best mate 'Diags' (or however you spell it). Cretin. I think you could physically see the girls grimace when he went in for a cheek kiss at Faces. I don't blame them.  He looks like someone has stolen Quasimodo and tried to ingratiate him into modern society. Embarrassing. 

I had an argument with my housemate after this episode finished where I was trying to explain that Mark's departure is going to effect the entire show. I'm right. He was a pivotal character that tied a few of the groups together. Plus he was a knob but above all a likeable one.. Same with Kirk. He was also a bit of a fanny but still likeable (at least a bit). We are left with Mario... An absolute Wang-child. I can't shake the fact he looks like Gomez from The Addams Family.. He should sack up and realise that if he wants to date the gorgeous slapper Lucy then he should get over himself and stop trying to get one-ups on her all the time.. The best she could do was tell a powerfully unfunny piece of advice about 'farting on your boyfriends willy because they leave the toilet seat up'... Who writes this stuff? And yes. It is scripted. Occasionally the cast might get so wound up/pissed off or sad at the situation that they might step away from script and cry or shout more (which makes better tv) but for the most part.. It's all scripted. Watch closely and you can see the other "characters" on screen mouthing the other persons words before it is their turn again to speak... Twats. But why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you get involved in a show where you have to "be yourself" and get showered with requests and interviews for Love It, More, Pick Me Up & Suck Me Off magazines? 


This will soon happen to that new girl (can't remember her name) - and she WILL fall for it all. Yeh she might be the 'cool' one who wears jeans in a nightclub just because she's so fit she can get away with it (unlike Chloe, Frankie (?), Lauren-The-Alien-Lightbulb-Head & definitely the whopping great big Gemma.) -- but soon she will be wearing all the glamorous shit etc. yeh yeh she's very fit but she'd look butters standing next to Lucy or ... Well just Lucy. 

Lauren Goodyer, without Mark there to complain about, bitch about, frig herself over.. has decided (or it has been decided for her) that she is now 'close' with Lydia. She offered the remarkable advice of 'mmhmm' in their scene together and opened her gobby, chubby mouth when it wasn't needed at Lydia's birthday meal. Thank god her long standing feud with Lucy (the one who Her ex-fiancé cheated on her with) seems to have just been forgotten about.. However weird that might be?


Mark had the 'Wright' idea (ahem) - build a show up, get what you can from it, be a villain if they want you to be then fuck off down a jungle with a coke head bass guitarist from a shit boy-band and a fit Aussie with peach coloured hair (and a peachy arse) that we'll never see again...


I believe now he's doing the side show to Take Me Out. And yes.. That IS a step up in the world... Why? .. Because Paddy McGuiness is a legend...


"Let The Pikey - See The Pounds"