PORNOS: Sticking To What's Important...And Your Hand

I don't think I've ever come across a situation where the pre-amble before the nakedness increased my overall viewing pleasure of a porno. Let's be honest, if you're like me, any time you have to use porn you basically feel like you've failed.. No one wants to feel like a failure for long so do us all a favour and skip the part when Jennie Pert-Norks walks into the mechanics garage and asks for someone who knows how to 'see to her trunk' or some other 'clever' smutty innuendo that essentially means she wants to get her fanny fucked so hard she can't walk straight for a week.. Just start the clip at the penetration or at the very least, the foreplay. I promise, no one, ever, will mind.  Any theme/situational building moments are just a waste of precious time at the end of a long day or in any short moments when you're home alone.


Also, duration annoys me too. Unless you're having an incredibly slow, controlled wank who needs longer than 10minutes for a porn film? You're already horny.. That's why you tug one out. So why would you then want to engage in the storyline, learn that Sindy Huge-Blubbers is a mother of two and a wife so she's a massive unfaithful bitch whore? Just start the first 5 seconds off with something a bit more relevant to the activity...
I've seen (I mean heard of..) porn movies that are 1hr 30mins long!? Why the fuck would anyone watch that!? Has anyone in the history of EVER carried on watching it after they've climaxed? "Ooooh I wonder if they solve the murder immediately after the scene where she shoves a candlestick up her muff?!" to my knowledge no one gives a shit...

Another thing. Vocals. There are occasions in actual sex where being vocal about what you're doing or what you'd like to do possibly adds to the moment. But would you ever want to hear yourself back afterwards? Errr... No! It would be horrendous. You'd sound like such a TWAT. For this reason I think vocals should be banned from pornos. It never sounds good or increases viewing pleasure for the watcher. I don't want to see some screaming little bint pretending to enjoy being rammed by a massive monster cock and having to say things like "oh yerrr baby, daddy would be so mad" .. If you like it, we will know. Stop reacting like such a shrill little slapper! And male vocals are even worse. "yerrr do you like that??! Yeh who's ya daddy?"   ... You really wanna know who her daddy is, dickhead? He'd beat the SHiT out of you!

Finally the only other time porn is on (besides when you're high with a group of mates) is when you've got it on in the background to try to 'set the mood' for actual sex that's happening at the time.. Don't be so FUCKiNG lazy! You wanna fuck someone, YOU turn them on, say the right things, engage with them. Don't just put a porno on and let some mouthy Alpha Male gobshite steal your thunder with his ever-hard cock pounding her ever-wet fanny. It'll most likely show you up. And if it wouldn't, why is it on in the background in the first place?!

Yours sincerely,
Some Wanker