RETRO BLOG: How NOT to Destroy The Power Rangers And/Or the World

Thought I'd do a retro blog on The Power Rangers. I'm talking about the original rangers, the Mighty Morhin' ones, you know, the ones with the bitchin' thrash metal theme music. I didn't know what followed them until I saw a ridiculously long Power Rangers youtube video where it goes through every person in every generation. Christ, it's a big franchise. Anyway... I'm going to maintain with ZERO facts or overall knowledge that the first generation was the best... 

THE RANGERS

Redneck Ranger:

Bolshy, hot headed and dull. Talks like a broken JCB engine. He's the leader until that better guy comes along..

Touch Of Pink Ranger:

The fit one. Spends the majority of time straddling my balance beam when she's not suited in pink.

Blue Gimp Ranger:

Geeky, unsuitable loser who'd never have made the cut. I think he became a ranger by proxy of the others.. "oh, and I guess billy too.."

Yellow *sighs* oriental Ranger:

Not rewarded with a skirt despite her pink mate getting one. Apparently due to the fact all of the fighting in this show was taken from a Japanese show where the Yellow Ranger was a dude... Gutted for Trini...

Pitch Black Ranger:

One of the darkest men on telly In the 90's (darker than the Fresh Prince and his fam.) Him, the oriental ranger & Red Neck Ranger apparently requested more money to carry on - so they fired those 3 & spliced old footage of them together for the last episodes. It's hilarious watching it as an adult. Listening to the fake voice actors trying to sound like the 3 axed rangers. All the shots from the back or interactions in silhouette because they aren't really there.

Green/White/Other Ranger:

I hated this knob-head. His huge gold collar (there for no reason) really annoyed me. In fact he's SUCH a dick that for some reason I can't even get this paragraph to align to the right of his picture like I could for the others... dick! I hated his HUGE robot that matched in size and skill the other 5 rangers' robots together.. Pretty unfair. Talk about making Jason 'Red Neck Ranger's dick feel small.. And didn't he have a gay little whistle too? Nightmare.. From the youtube video I watched of all the generations it looks he he was in it for ages. Meh, I guess it's money for old rope. He looks like Ryan Reynolds with a Cher wig on...=

Advice to the Enemy: Ways to NOT kill the Power Rangers and/or destroy the earth

1) send all monsters and villains specifically to Angel Grove (the resting place of said Rangers)

2) Waste time with foot soldiers called 'putties' who explode if you touch them in the chest (or swipe close-by). 

3) Let your monster creator (who looks like the large flying dog from The Never Ending Story in disguise, see below) create a villain with a flaw of any kind. If you're creating a monster pig that wants to 'eat all of the food in the world (starting with Angel Grove, obviously) - don't make it allergic to spicy food!? How would that ever have affected India? .. Come on now.. Think about it..

4) Waste time with a small monster.. Start BIG. Let it start crushing buildings from the get-go. (have you ever noticed how many office workers must have died whilst these fights are occurring. Evacuate Angel Grove, I say)

5) Not realize that if the large monster fight lasts more than 3 minutes the Rangers will jut use their awesome-super-mega-death-sword and finish you off instantly. Work around this.

I loved the Power Rangers when I was young but I hated the following things:

1) their cross-over summersault jumps they all did when they arrived at a fight scene to discuss their plans but mainly pep each other up with stock phrases like 'Ok!' 'yeah!' 'come on!' 'let's do this!'

2) the fact that when their robots came together they were suddenly and inexplicably in the same control room sitting together despite attaching at extremely separate locations on the Mega-Zord (or whatever it was called)

3) the coloured power key they could all magically produce with their hands to control the robots despite magic being nothing to do with this show..

4) the fact they all wore their own power ranger colours when they were incognito in Angel Grove. I'm sorry but even that fat shit and his retard friend 'bulk and skull' could've worked out who their identities. "oh, i dunno, it's probably that gang of kids wearing exactly the same block colours as the Rangers themselves..."

5) they NEVER tried to find the HQ of the enemy (as far as I know) despite their own HQ getting infiltrated at one point. STOP THESE FUCKERS AT THE SOURCE.

6) they took their advice from a large, floating face.

7) their entire HQ was controlled by a small gay robot called Alpha 5 who wears Wonder Woman's pants. Make more helpers. Get Alpha 6 through 10 involved...

8) Despite requests, I was never allowed to become an official ranger.. >:(