SATC: The Witch, The Relic, The Lesbo & The Fitty

The other day I was in hell:

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@JoeThompson_ Too hungover to move, cant find the tv remote, tv stuck on comedy central on a Sex & The City marathon. I'm ending it all, here, right now.

5th May

But instead of shooting myself in the face (as any other red blooded man would) I decided to mentally obliterate the 3 munters onscreen (and Charlotte) & was reminded of a time long since forgotten when I used to be made to watch the show with my ex-girlfriend. I'm going to treat you, the reader, as someone who has never seen it before - and explain it from MY point of view...

The Characters:

Carrie Bradshaw

Main character and narrator. Writer living in New York*SEE BELOW*(something that she insists on reminding everyone every 5 seconds). Proud 'sex columnist' who continually writes about her best friends' lives, airing their dirty, elderly, laundry in public. "Finds Herself Wondering..." far too many times. Makes ridiculous comparions between fashion & real life like "Are men like a broken heel? You can try and fix them but they'll just break again?" (not an actual quote).  When younger she could've passed for stylish, but in the later series she looks like a runaway horse that's charged it's way into the Accessories department of Forever 21 via the sale rail. Makes all the wrong decisions and definately deserves to end up with a weasel faced arse she calls BIG. Considering Family Guy once described Sarah Jessica Parker's face as a 'FOOT' - they make BIGFOOT. I like it. It's ugly & shouldn't be seen in public. Very fitting. The only thing Sarah Jessica Parker should be cast in is witch related things. She looked better in Hocus Pocus. Then again, her onscreen competition in that film was Bette Midler & the fat fuck from Sister Act.

*I read a statistical analysis of New York's Crime rates of the year 2011 - and this sentance cropped up: "Slightly up this year: rapes, robberies, felony assaults & shootings" .. I loved the casual writing stance that was taken in this report. "Slightly up this year: rape..." I read it with the same tone as "slightly affected this weekend: the District Line" *

Samantha Jones
Ancient slut who gets cancer. Now, that sounds blunt - and it is. The only storyline that didn't make me want to gauge my eyes out was when she went through cancer. Before that she was just the light pornographic releif who had a tit shot in very nearly every episode. Gets "fat" at one point by hunching over more and wearing tighter jeans - the girls have an intervention with her about it. Makes continual innapropriate innuendos whilst people are trying to eat. None of them are funny. Ends up with a guy who ages very badly. Spent an entire episode fapping, fudding & plapping herself because she thought she'd "Lost her orgasm". Brilliant writing :/

Miranda Hobbes (The Ginge who's clearly a lesbo)

Extremely sarcastic. Deserves any of the bad things that happen to her. Has a hideous fat pig baby. Spends an episode declaring that she can 'get into her skinny jeans' despite her ass looking as wide as a 50" television set. Gets with dorky, chumpy, stupid voiced guy named 'Steve' who wears glasses and sounds like he should be a voice on the Rugrats. She's Pale & grim. If Anne Robinson had a baby, put on a few pounds then sat in a park with a fork this would be the photo...

 I'm really not a massive fan of girls with short hair. I just think basic rules apply. Girls should have long hair & men should have short hair. Simple. you listening EMMA WATSON?! Huh?
Don't do it to yourself...Having said this, Miranda gets longer hair as the show goes on and still manages to look ropey so I guess it's a lose/lose for her. At least she can stand out with a public school-boy buzzcut.

Charlotte York

The fittest Jew, ever. I think I saw her in Friends once... she was fit then too. She's just hot. She looks and has looked the best out of all of them by a considerable margin. Ends up with a fat, bald-headed jew - assumbly to show that she is a good person with substance greater than exterior beauty. She then shouts at him telling him that he should marry her quickly because people stare at them and wonder how he got her. So yeh.. she's also a cunt. Weds a guy with an erectile problem after chosing not to sleep with him before they are married. Her fault. That's a terrible idea.

The Only Man Written Slightly Well
I've already explained how much i dislike BIG and to be honest, the other male characters dont really provide much. Carrie's gay, mouse-faced friend Stanford (?) is fucking annoying. Exactly the kind of gay guy I feel uncomfortable around. In my humble & often aired opinion - the only male character written even slightly close to how a real man acts and behaves is - Aidan, the Lumberjack guy (not an actual lumberjack). He's in it for a season or two. He also makes a cameo in the second movie (clearly because he was the only way to get people to watch it). All around nice guy who puts up with all of Carrie's STUPID FUCKING SHIT. He deserves a medal. maybe he can carve one out of wood with his bare hands or something... From a character point of view I was really glad for him that he chewed his leg out of that hideous, witch-faced bear-trip. RUN AIDAN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!