Tool Academy: Take 1 Bloke & 1 Slapper & Mix



So this year, the Tools thought they were in a competition to win a shag with that fit Welsh slapper, who's name I can't remember. That one from Big Brother. The thing is - that's not that stupid a concept to believe. Isn't she the one that fucked Ryan Giggs? So she's clearly got the taste and morals of a hyena with a blood-lust and a massive penis... She'd do anything to get into the spotlight - so I wouldn't be surprised if the tv production company also tricked her into thinking she was presenting a real show. Also. She can't present for shit. I swear I saw the year she was on Big Brother - she never talked like such a retard on that.... It woz liiike she woz ouuuver Wehhhlllshh faw naw reazon

As every year goes by I find it harder and harder to believe that the contestants do not know they will be on Tool Academy. Does it not phaze them that there clearly isn't a show called 'The Man Games' in real life? Or that the thing is televised so either way their girlfriend will find out about what they're doing? Any intelligent couple who can act like he's a player and she's a hard-done-by girlfriend (who happens to dress like a fit slapper) could easier blag their way onto this show... and have an 'epiphany' halfway through then win. That's what I would do. But then again I can't even think of what my Tool Name would be? 'Blogger Tool' sounds like I've just shat myself... 

Anyway. I have a good feeling about this new lot - and below are my first impressions of them all.

PS. I wont say who (because I haven't worked out who belongs to who yet...but some of their girlfriends are WELL ropey!!) haha.

X FACTOR: Same Shit, Different Year (Edition 2)

So here you go, see below for a quick round-up of this years X Factor Losers (with the exception of a few).

I wont say that there is no talent this year because that would be wrong. There clearly is. But does anybody else feel slightly short-changed? Remember back in the year when Alexandra Burke won it? (including Diana Vickers, JLS, Laura White, Austin Drage etc.) That year was great. I genuinely felt like I had no idea who was going to win the show. I felt the same on the year with Cher Lloyd, One Direction, Rebecca Furgerson etc. (who won that year? I dunno..) - It was a really hard one to call.

THIS year, there are a good 5 or 6 acts that need to fuck off before it gets interesting, which means that ultimately apart from showcasing the talent that the others clearly all have - it's just a slow race towards any sort of moment where things will matter. Ok, ok, I know that Caroline Poole's exit was a bit of a 'controversy' but did anyone actually think that she could win it? Nah, me neither. So why delay the inevitable? Same with that Melanie Masson. Nice enough lady... but she would never have won the show. My ears are thanking her exit.

The important inclusion this year is the chance for the acts to perform their own material or alter the pre-existing material with their own rapping. I like this element. It's a chance to see what they would actually be doing when this is over. Just look at James Arthur (If you can) - or the epic Lucy Spraggan.  They could go far after this. Just as long as the wrong label doesn't try and make them go the way of old husky yeller - Diana Vickers. I genuinely liked her on the show. She was cool, floaty, calm & natural. Up until about Week 4 she was nailing it every week - then she got a throat infection and it went downhill from there. Remember when she came back 2 years later looking like a slightly downy- plump Cheryl Cole for that mental circus song she did? "OOPS CANNA DABULA GEELING" - or something. People said it was a copy of Under The Bridge by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. No. No it wasn't. Don't insult the RHCP's like that... Whoever turned her into that sort of act should be shot. Just saying.

RESIDENT EVIL 6. I. Can't. Wait.

PORNOS: Sticking To What's Important...And Your Hand

I don't think I've ever come across a situation where the pre-amble before the nakedness increased my overall viewing pleasure of a porno. Let's be honest, if you're like me, any time you have to use porn you basically feel like you've failed.. No one wants to feel like a failure for long so do us all a favour and skip the part when Jennie Pert-Norks walks into the mechanics garage and asks for someone who knows how to 'see to her trunk' or some other 'clever' smutty innuendo that essentially means she wants to get her fanny fucked so hard she can't walk straight for a week.. Just start the clip at the penetration or at the very least, the foreplay. I promise, no one, ever, will mind.  Any theme/situational building moments are just a waste of precious time at the end of a long day or in any short moments when you're home alone.


Also, duration annoys me too. Unless you're having an incredibly slow, controlled wank who needs longer than 10minutes for a porn film? You're already horny.. That's why you tug one out. So why would you then want to engage in the storyline, learn that Sindy Huge-Blubbers is a mother of two and a wife so she's a massive unfaithful bitch whore? Just start the first 5 seconds off with something a bit more relevant to the activity...
I've seen (I mean heard of..) porn movies that are 1hr 30mins long!? Why the fuck would anyone watch that!? Has anyone in the history of EVER carried on watching it after they've climaxed? "Ooooh I wonder if they solve the murder immediately after the scene where she shoves a candlestick up her muff?!" to my knowledge no one gives a shit...

Another thing. Vocals. There are occasions in actual sex where being vocal about what you're doing or what you'd like to do possibly adds to the moment. But would you ever want to hear yourself back afterwards? Errr... No! It would be horrendous. You'd sound like such a TWAT. For this reason I think vocals should be banned from pornos. It never sounds good or increases viewing pleasure for the watcher. I don't want to see some screaming little bint pretending to enjoy being rammed by a massive monster cock and having to say things like "oh yerrr baby, daddy would be so mad" .. If you like it, we will know. Stop reacting like such a shrill little slapper! And male vocals are even worse. "yerrr do you like that??! Yeh who's ya daddy?"   ... You really wanna know who her daddy is, dickhead? He'd beat the SHiT out of you!

Finally the only other time porn is on (besides when you're high with a group of mates) is when you've got it on in the background to try to 'set the mood' for actual sex that's happening at the time.. Don't be so FUCKiNG lazy! You wanna fuck someone, YOU turn them on, say the right things, engage with them. Don't just put a porno on and let some mouthy Alpha Male gobshite steal your thunder with his ever-hard cock pounding her ever-wet fanny. It'll most likely show you up. And if it wouldn't, why is it on in the background in the first place?!

Yours sincerely,
Some Wanker

TV ADVERTS: Cars, Meerkats & Fruity Jizz

Do you remember when the best adverts on tv used to be car ads? Undoubtedly. They were the most stylish, looked the most pricey to produce & if ever one came on in a cinema before the trailers started it'd give you a semi just looking at it ... even if it was a Mazda... what happened to those? I don't think I've seen a decent car ad for a long time. Possibly the last good one was the sequel advert to that cake one where they pretended to build a Skoda Fabia out of things that Fat people eat when they feel upset. 

The advert that followed on from that was for the Fabia vRS - I enjoyed that one: snakes are immense. But I sort of feel like car adverts have taken a bit of a nose-dive. Perhaps I'm wrong. But surely the appropriate demographic time slots for car adverts should be after work? (you know, aimed at people who can afford a car).  I guess I'll have to just rely on Top Gear - a show I do like a lot, but secretly want them to get over themselves and just continue to do what they do best: instead of seeming so fucking smug all the time. Having said this, they do, quite clearly, have the best job of all time. And as a final note on this: The Stig that revealed himself (Ben Collins) made a bit of a silly move.  No-one actually cares who The Stig is, it's just kind of fun to guess. As soon as you know it's revealed it's like when someone explains how a rainbow is made: ultimately disappointing and.. well... a bit gay.

 Now all I seem to see is market comparison adverts. If I see that FAT SHIT sing "Go Compare" in any sort of mild variation of an advert again I'm going to hunt him down and punch him in his chubby jaw.  I'm feeling the same way with the Compare the Meerkat.com ads (although I always preferred them over the fat Italian.)  YES, they're memorable, YES, they are self-mocking and so don't take themselves too seriously but I feel about them the same way I do about banking with Halifax or shopping at B&Q: Because I hate the adverts so much I flat out refuse to use the product or service they're selling. Consequently I have never been on a price comparison website. So thank you Go Compare & Compare the Market: you've fucked me off so much that I'm refusing to acknowledge your existence.

I saw a new advert for McDonalds the other day that lasted for far longer than it should have and showed some little shits chasing bubbles in the shape of different fruits. This carries on in a semi-artsy way until a bubble pops and you see the kids drinking their Fruitjizz (I think it's Fruitjizz?) juice drinks in a McDonalds right before the end. OH YEH, that'll work. Kids will DEFINITELY opt for the Fruit Juice Drink when they're already stuffing their pie holes with more chicken nuggets and burgers than you can shake a stick at...(never really understood that phrase) FUCK OFF McDonalds. Everyone knows you're the food scum of the earth. If our diets are our life partners then McDonalds is that crack-whore you riddle yourself with in exchange for money.  Yeh sure, it feels good at the time but afterwards you feel cheap & nasty. It's about as pointless as an advert for Heroin trying to convince you that injecting smack "provides adequate Nurse needle training" -- If that advert DID exist, I bet I know which demographic time-slot they would show that on: Somewhere between Jeremy Kyle & Cash In The Attic (day-time-layabout-benefit-cunts).

ATTACK OF THE Z-LISTERS

Right, ok, we get it – you’re living the dream. You’ve got:
1) a nice car
2) a bang-able girlfriend (or boyfriend)
3) lots of money
4) a decent apartment / house
AND to top it all off, you’ve got all that for doing basically sweet fuck-all apart from being in a semi-scripted “reality” show about your life. To be honest: I’d be loving it too. I’d be enjoying all the fans who like me for no reason (often despite of major character flaws such as: being unfaithful or just generally being a cunt). But what I DO NOT understand is that despite CHOOSING to be on a show format that practically begs for ridicule: you STILL feel the need to retaliate to all the sad little twats that chose to berate you on twitter. JUST IGNORE THEM. Everyone has their hate mail, even I do with my 3,700 odd followers* so I can’t imagine how much CRAP you have to sift through...

*My favourite insult from a reader once was:
Annie_Chan5: “Says more about you than the show: "Exactly the kind of gay guy I feel uncomfortable around" and insulting the appearance of a baby. Keep classing it up.” (referring to my blog about the terrifying elderly women from Sex & The City)

However, some of the responses that you give to these kids (some no older than about 13) are EMBARRASSING. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Even the supposedly nice ones of you have a mouth on you. If some little kid tells you you’re ugly or stupid or boring: just leave it. Ignore them. It's the only way

 

Greg Lake: "@cheetah560:You were the most boring person on tv since Peter Ebdon #snooker” and ur the ugliest guy I’ve seen on twitter

Yeh nice one Greg*  I looked at the avi of the person you said that to (as did tonnes of other people, I'm sure..) and it wasnt even clear which of the three boys in the avi had written to you. Granted they were all pretty ropey but my point is: all of the 3 boys looked under 16. That's not cool... Just rise above it. Don't stoop to their level. Also fuck me, if THEY were the ugliest people you've ever seen on twitter then you've had a very easy ride..
*For those of you who don't know of him, Greg was on the 1st series of Geordie Shore - our English version of the skanky Jersey Shore

Mario & Lucy from The Only Way Is Essex last night started trying to take the piss out of this guy: insulting his girlfriend and berating him for having only 77 followers (I think since the incident he's gained a few more). Now I have no idea how old that guy was. I dont really care either. I care that two (all be it beautiful) arseholes decided to retaliate over a comment about Mario's nose. (I'll ignore the fact that I can't see anything wrong with Mario's nose.)

Mario Falcone:  @Lucy_Meck @iamdortamartin watch out he has 77 followers '#army

I genuinely wonder sometimes how many followers some of these stupid fucks would have if they weren't on a reality tv show!? It's hardly as if they are particularly interesting to follow. They mainly just spaff on about where they've just been/ what free gift they've received from a desperate company or when their filming's about to start / stop or take a 5 minute break. My point basically is: yes so that kid doesn't have many followers - but he hasn't been on tv. It seems like that's literally all it takes.  Commenting on follow count is a cheap shot and it's hardly funny.. still didn't stop it getting 50+ retweets from all the arse-sucking fan beggars out there who are the same type of people that 'beg' for an RT because they 'love them sooo much'. FUCK OFF. Get a FUCKING life!? are you SERIOUS? Let me tell you, you sad little shits, these people you're begging for an RT wouldn't piss on fire to put you out. They'd walk away................and probably tweet about it.

Jaiden Michael: "@melovesmariah: @jaidenofficial "are you still clinging onto that 15 minutes since Scousewives?" U still clinging onto that 15stone of fat?

VERY GOOD JAIDEN! Oh no wait.. no it's not seeing as it doesn't make any FUCKING sense... @melovesmariah is a skinny guy and YOU are a fat shit who thinks it's clever to retort to people when there's absolutely no need.

Yes, before you say it - I know I'm being a bit of a cunt myself. But my point is this.. I'm not famous. I'm under zero obligation not to be a cunt. I don't have young fans or followers. I'd never be considered a role model for anyone (not that these people should, either)...

I think it should be inforced that if you're famous (however unnecessarily) - it should be your duty to block rather than retaliate to people who give you grief on twitter: especially if they're young. Calling someone ugly, insulting their popularity or telling them they're fat are stupid low-blows that you should have the sense to rise above. Now go on, shoo... fuck off back onto our TVs so we can laugh more at how empty & hollow your lives are. Continue to talk about dresses/fake tan/nights out/ vouchers/gifts & how long or hard your day was... and we'll all just carry on pretending like we dont just watch you to make sure we can laugh every time you fuck up royally on tv infront of a large audience.....

All The Best,
A Nobody.

Made In Chelsea: Killed In Order

The majority of what I'm about to say is based on their looks. But, let's face it - this cast have the emotional depth of a teaspoon...and they were ALL born with golden teaspoons...sticking out of their arses...

1) Terrifying feline faced little bitch. Really dislike her. Thinks she's extremely attractive when in reality she looks like a badly disguised Thundercat or an Avatar with normal skin.

2) A man who embodies all of the reasons why you hate public school dickheads. His face is extremely punchable. Hate the way he talks. He just said "Coinci-mental". FUCK OFF.

3) Rich, average looking slapper who wears too much make up and who makes terrible decisions. One of which is the idea to sleep with a weasel disguised as a human. She's getting hotter though..

4) She doesn't bother me too much. This is a pretty bad picture of her though. Her voice makes my willy tingle a bit. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

5) Afore-mentioned weasel incognito. He walked up beside me outside my work a month or two ago wearing a union jack waistcoat. Tosser.

6) I think I officially hate this guy. Such a knob. Another person who thinks he's attractive. He's not. Not even a little bit. He's completely average. Cutting his stupid hair was a good idea. Doesn't change the douche face though. He's also a terrible boyfriend and even worse friend. One of these days he's going to get his head kicked in and I wont even apologise...

7) *sigh* ... she's quite man-ish. No, I know, it's a guy. More accurately it's a model. Ridiculous. Who wants to take a photo of a man who has nostrils that point outwards? He's a smarmy cunt too.  I geninely think he's ugly. If he actually WAS a girl, her name would be Gertrude and she would wear glasses & work in a library.

8) Seems normal compared to the others. Dont expect her to smile at you in a club or stop a car if you're in the way on Fulham Road... she's still a dick.

9) In my opinion, the fittest one. She's cool & I like that she's got a bit of meat on her, I think it suits her. She's thick as pig shit though...

10) "What you like cock, aswell? That's a surprise" - No one, ever.

11) In the last episode I saw, this horse faced, ginormous chinned "beauty" clearly had her hair attacked by crayons or skittles & was singing "Haabuulieeevve haabuulieeeve" in a really REALLY annoying mock-Christina Aguilera way that was literally killing me. I hate the quivery voice style of singing. It's rank & just sounds like the person is cold. She puts the 'cunt' in 'annoying'. I know that doesn't make any sense...but that just shows how much of a cunt she is...
12) The 'Carrie Bradshaw' of Made In Chelsea. We all know my opinion on Bradshaw.. I think this one looks like the "cool" mum who's getting involved all the time. I can't believe she's not 37.

*Some cast members have been eliminated because I'm not bothered by them,

 I dont know who they are or I've spoken about them before*

1)  Far too blonde. Says all of the things that no one should ever say to anyone they like. Talks about banks and money too much. Wore his baseball cap backwards on his head. Gimp.

2) I dont understand the appeal of this girl. If someone can inform me as to why she's attractive then I'll be most obliged.
3) She's beautiful. Apparantly a devote Christian. She wasn't that loyal to God when I had her legs in the air the other day...

and FINALLY....

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?!?!.........

A truly horrendous girl who looks like Victoria Beckham has been cross-bred with a monster from the Alien Series. She apparantly owns "30 pairs of Christian Louboutin heels" - that's good love, but what are you going to do about your face?

SATC: The Witch, The Relic, The Lesbo & The Fitty

The other day I was in hell:

‏

@JoeThompson_ Too hungover to move, cant find the tv remote, tv stuck on comedy central on a Sex & The City marathon. I'm ending it all, here, right now.

5th May

But instead of shooting myself in the face (as any other red blooded man would) I decided to mentally obliterate the 3 munters onscreen (and Charlotte) & was reminded of a time long since forgotten when I used to be made to watch the show with my ex-girlfriend. I'm going to treat you, the reader, as someone who has never seen it before - and explain it from MY point of view...

The Characters:

Carrie Bradshaw

Main character and narrator. Writer living in New York*SEE BELOW*(something that she insists on reminding everyone every 5 seconds). Proud 'sex columnist' who continually writes about her best friends' lives, airing their dirty, elderly, laundry in public. "Finds Herself Wondering..." far too many times. Makes ridiculous comparions between fashion & real life like "Are men like a broken heel? You can try and fix them but they'll just break again?" (not an actual quote).  When younger she could've passed for stylish, but in the later series she looks like a runaway horse that's charged it's way into the Accessories department of Forever 21 via the sale rail. Makes all the wrong decisions and definately deserves to end up with a weasel faced arse she calls BIG. Considering Family Guy once described Sarah Jessica Parker's face as a 'FOOT' - they make BIGFOOT. I like it. It's ugly & shouldn't be seen in public. Very fitting. The only thing Sarah Jessica Parker should be cast in is witch related things. She looked better in Hocus Pocus. Then again, her onscreen competition in that film was Bette Midler & the fat fuck from Sister Act.

*I read a statistical analysis of New York's Crime rates of the year 2011 - and this sentance cropped up: "Slightly up this year: rapes, robberies, felony assaults & shootings" .. I loved the casual writing stance that was taken in this report. "Slightly up this year: rape..." I read it with the same tone as "slightly affected this weekend: the District Line" *

Samantha Jones
Ancient slut who gets cancer. Now, that sounds blunt - and it is. The only storyline that didn't make me want to gauge my eyes out was when she went through cancer. Before that she was just the light pornographic releif who had a tit shot in very nearly every episode. Gets "fat" at one point by hunching over more and wearing tighter jeans - the girls have an intervention with her about it. Makes continual innapropriate innuendos whilst people are trying to eat. None of them are funny. Ends up with a guy who ages very badly. Spent an entire episode fapping, fudding & plapping herself because she thought she'd "Lost her orgasm". Brilliant writing :/

Miranda Hobbes (The Ginge who's clearly a lesbo)

Extremely sarcastic. Deserves any of the bad things that happen to her. Has a hideous fat pig baby. Spends an episode declaring that she can 'get into her skinny jeans' despite her ass looking as wide as a 50" television set. Gets with dorky, chumpy, stupid voiced guy named 'Steve' who wears glasses and sounds like he should be a voice on the Rugrats. She's Pale & grim. If Anne Robinson had a baby, put on a few pounds then sat in a park with a fork this would be the photo...

 I'm really not a massive fan of girls with short hair. I just think basic rules apply. Girls should have long hair & men should have short hair. Simple. you listening EMMA WATSON?! Huh?
Don't do it to yourself...Having said this, Miranda gets longer hair as the show goes on and still manages to look ropey so I guess it's a lose/lose for her. At least she can stand out with a public school-boy buzzcut.

Charlotte York

The fittest Jew, ever. I think I saw her in Friends once... she was fit then too. She's just hot. She looks and has looked the best out of all of them by a considerable margin. Ends up with a fat, bald-headed jew - assumbly to show that she is a good person with substance greater than exterior beauty. She then shouts at him telling him that he should marry her quickly because people stare at them and wonder how he got her. So yeh.. she's also a cunt. Weds a guy with an erectile problem after chosing not to sleep with him before they are married. Her fault. That's a terrible idea.

The Only Man Written Slightly Well
I've already explained how much i dislike BIG and to be honest, the other male characters dont really provide much. Carrie's gay, mouse-faced friend Stanford (?) is fucking annoying. Exactly the kind of gay guy I feel uncomfortable around. In my humble & often aired opinion - the only male character written even slightly close to how a real man acts and behaves is - Aidan, the Lumberjack guy (not an actual lumberjack). He's in it for a season or two. He also makes a cameo in the second movie (clearly because he was the only way to get people to watch it). All around nice guy who puts up with all of Carrie's STUPID FUCKING SHIT. He deserves a medal. maybe he can carve one out of wood with his bare hands or something... From a character point of view I was really glad for him that he chewed his leg out of that hideous, witch-faced bear-trip. RUN AIDAN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

The Apprentice: Same Stupid Twats, Different Year

I watch the Apprentice every year.. Actually that's I lie.. I started watching The Apprentice the year that fitty Liz Locke was on it.  It wasn't directly because of her but she was definately a selling point of that year (..What was that now? about 2/3 years ago?)... The year that grouchy, cold, boring, blonde girl won it... Guinness, I think, was her name. Fosters? .. Ahh Stella. That blonde guy who came second that year (the one who looked like Edward Cullen mixed with 'Some Posh Twat') - Chris Bates now works on my street. I pass him most days. He's an arrogant cock. One of those Z-listers who thinks everyone's looking at him when actually nobody cares. He sighs when he enters a shop for literally no reason.  You literally know he's in there by his sigh. Dick.
After that season ended I started watching the earlier years (yes through uTorrent, yes I know it's illegal, no I don't care) and have carried on watching it since. I'm not entirely sure why I bothered. The formula is exactly the same except they've binned off the white haired old lady who looks like the fat broody chicken from Disney's Robin Hood (or any of the characters from Chicken Run) and replaced her with a square-jawed slightly younger lady (techically they've just switched rolls from being one of the 4 interviewers towards the end of the show to Sir Alan's right-hand-woman and vice versa). The two side-kicks of Sir Alan irratate me slightly. I bet they make two statements regarding key moments in each challenge one being postive & one negative and just choose the right one to place in depending on which team wins the task... A lot of the things they suggest are fairly subjective but they always seem to have a very strong opinion of it. I'd like to see them be wrong... at least once..
It all just seems to end up being a bit pointless. Nearly every 'winning' candidate seems to leave very soon after being employed or gets done over in one way or another.. There's a reason why the new seasons dont start with any success stories of the old lot, they're all fucked!

Every Season There Always Seems To Be A Task: 
1) ...Involving rubbish or something that looks like poo. It's possibly just a ploy by Sir Alan to see the hotter female candidates get a bit mucky. I imagine he has first dibs on the raw footage of this. It's a really gash way of showing that treasures can be found in garbage. Just like Sir Alan was found in a bin somewhere..
2) ...Involving Food. Usually a fast food restaurant or some food cart of some kind. Give up. People in the city buy their food from either Pret, Eat, Wasabi or Boots. (it seems.) This task always has some brainiac who thinks it's a good idea to sell some really obscure food choice like "Pigs Liver Sandwiches with Mustard" or something. If you're selling to the masses pick something more generic.. it's not rocket science you twats...most office-goers in London are in a daze come lunchtime and just want to make a speedy, bewildered trip to their regular eatery before returning back to their shit life - I mean work.
3) ...Involving Product Buying then Selling New Inventions: I have nothing much to say to this except that this episode is cut the same way every year.. Look for the product that everyone wants - this will turn out to be the least commercially viable. The team that wins this product will lose the task. End of.
4) ...With A Rat Race Around London To Find Obscure Items: I can't decide if they aren't allowed to use the internet or if they are all just too stupid to consider looking the items up? Even if you aren't allowed to use your mobile phones like that, go to an internet cafe.. (They still exist... probably... )  This is a task where it's absolutely the Team Captain's fault if it goes wrong. Deligate properly... stop fucking about. What are the odds you are going to find a golden bum-hole poker just walking down a street in Broadway Market (... quite high actually..)  ALSO. for ONCE can people remember that it doesn't matter if you dont get ALL of the items, just bargin properly on the ones you DO get.. find two or three locations of each item. For the love of GOD.
5) ...Where The Candidates Go To A Foreign Country: To encounter the problems of a language barrier. There's always one token candidate who can speak a little bit of say, French, who then gets the full responsibility to carry the whole team. This is always blatently unfair - but depending on the cockiness of said candidate - it's sometimes fun watching them crash and burn under their own ego...

This year's candidates:
(I hadn't seen the latest episode. Good thing the website just gave away who got fired...)

RETRO BLOG: How NOT to Destroy The Power Rangers And/Or the World

Thought I'd do a retro blog on The Power Rangers. I'm talking about the original rangers, the Mighty Morhin' ones, you know, the ones with the bitchin' thrash metal theme music. I didn't know what followed them until I saw a ridiculously long Power Rangers youtube video where it goes through every person in every generation. Christ, it's a big franchise. Anyway... I'm going to maintain with ZERO facts or overall knowledge that the first generation was the best... 

THE RANGERS

Redneck Ranger:

Bolshy, hot headed and dull. Talks like a broken JCB engine. He's the leader until that better guy comes along..

Touch Of Pink Ranger:

The fit one. Spends the majority of time straddling my balance beam when she's not suited in pink.

Blue Gimp Ranger:

Geeky, unsuitable loser who'd never have made the cut. I think he became a ranger by proxy of the others.. "oh, and I guess billy too.."

Yellow *sighs* oriental Ranger:

Not rewarded with a skirt despite her pink mate getting one. Apparently due to the fact all of the fighting in this show was taken from a Japanese show where the Yellow Ranger was a dude... Gutted for Trini...

Pitch Black Ranger:

One of the darkest men on telly In the 90's (darker than the Fresh Prince and his fam.) Him, the oriental ranger & Red Neck Ranger apparently requested more money to carry on - so they fired those 3 & spliced old footage of them together for the last episodes. It's hilarious watching it as an adult. Listening to the fake voice actors trying to sound like the 3 axed rangers. All the shots from the back or interactions in silhouette because they aren't really there.

Green/White/Other Ranger:

I hated this knob-head. His huge gold collar (there for no reason) really annoyed me. In fact he's SUCH a dick that for some reason I can't even get this paragraph to align to the right of his picture like I could for the others... dick! I hated his HUGE robot that matched in size and skill the other 5 rangers' robots together.. Pretty unfair. Talk about making Jason 'Red Neck Ranger's dick feel small.. And didn't he have a gay little whistle too? Nightmare.. From the youtube video I watched of all the generations it looks he he was in it for ages. Meh, I guess it's money for old rope. He looks like Ryan Reynolds with a Cher wig on...=

Advice to the Enemy: Ways to NOT kill the Power Rangers and/or destroy the earth

1) send all monsters and villains specifically to Angel Grove (the resting place of said Rangers)

2) Waste time with foot soldiers called 'putties' who explode if you touch them in the chest (or swipe close-by). 

3) Let your monster creator (who looks like the large flying dog from The Never Ending Story in disguise, see below) create a villain with a flaw of any kind. If you're creating a monster pig that wants to 'eat all of the food in the world (starting with Angel Grove, obviously) - don't make it allergic to spicy food!? How would that ever have affected India? .. Come on now.. Think about it..

4) Waste time with a small monster.. Start BIG. Let it start crushing buildings from the get-go. (have you ever noticed how many office workers must have died whilst these fights are occurring. Evacuate Angel Grove, I say)

5) Not realize that if the large monster fight lasts more than 3 minutes the Rangers will jut use their awesome-super-mega-death-sword and finish you off instantly. Work around this.

I loved the Power Rangers when I was young but I hated the following things:

1) their cross-over summersault jumps they all did when they arrived at a fight scene to discuss their plans but mainly pep each other up with stock phrases like 'Ok!' 'yeah!' 'come on!' 'let's do this!'

2) the fact that when their robots came together they were suddenly and inexplicably in the same control room sitting together despite attaching at extremely separate locations on the Mega-Zord (or whatever it was called)

3) the coloured power key they could all magically produce with their hands to control the robots despite magic being nothing to do with this show..

4) the fact they all wore their own power ranger colours when they were incognito in Angel Grove. I'm sorry but even that fat shit and his retard friend 'bulk and skull' could've worked out who their identities. "oh, i dunno, it's probably that gang of kids wearing exactly the same block colours as the Rangers themselves..."

5) they NEVER tried to find the HQ of the enemy (as far as I know) despite their own HQ getting infiltrated at one point. STOP THESE FUCKERS AT THE SOURCE.

6) they took their advice from a large, floating face.

7) their entire HQ was controlled by a small gay robot called Alpha 5 who wears Wonder Woman's pants. Make more helpers. Get Alpha 6 through 10 involved...

8) Despite requests, I was never allowed to become an official ranger.. >:(

CAST OFFS: The People That RUIN TV For Me

1) The Hulk / The Avengers

Yeh, so, he’s big, he’s bulky, he can destroy things but brute strength has got to be the shittest super hero power. It just seems so achievable. And nobody wants to be green.

2) Frodo / The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy

Such a little weiner. I’m not even sure if I’m talking about Frodo or Elijah Wood but either way his voice, face and personality does my fucking head in. GIVE THE RING TO ONE OF THE COOL ONES. For fucks sake. PS Elijah is a terrible name.

3) Harry Morgan / Dexter

Yes, ok. In the first season when the back story was centred around you your flashbacks were interesting. But since then you’ve just been there for RUBBISH interjections about ‘following the code’ or just basically being a massive fun-sponge. Your character died so many seasons ago… it’s time for you to fuck off too…

4) Jar Jar Binks / Star Wars

Undoubtedly one of the biggest mistakes in the Star Wars universe. He’s not funny, wastes time, looks powerfully annoying. Need I say more?

5) Gemma / The Only Way Is Essex

Shown here with a clown face to highlight how much of a dick she is. I’ve met her on a night out - she’s more disgusting in person. I hate the way she talks, acts, presents herself… I remember the first episode I saw her in and I thought – “This is the end... This is the end of TOWIE”

6) Carrie / Sex In The City

Ugliest mong I’ve ever seen, parading around like she’s attractive. It’s weird when the main character is the one that ruins the show but it does happen. Charlotte’s the only fit one. FACT. Also, Carrie looks a bit like Jar Jar in my picture display, HA!

7) Jaiden / Desperate Scousewives

Does it bother anyone else that NONE of them are wives but they’ve used this title? Fuck it. Jaiden’s face is extremely punch-able. I’ve read his blog.. it’s pretty fucking shit. I hate him on this show; it would do better without him.

8) Maggie Gyllenhaal / The Dark Knight

What a shit replacement for Katie Holmes? Maggie Gyllenhaal has the sex appeal of a baked potato.

9) Ricci / Geordie Shore

He’s the worst addition to the show. I hate his face, hate his attitude, hate his ethics. Mong-child. Anyone that lifts their shirt up like that for a photo should be shot instantly (by an Uzi, not a camera).

10) Craig Colton (or people like him) / The X Factor

Why don’t the fact ugly ones understand that they’ll never win? The Pop industry is more superficial than that! Just look at Adele (…if you can). Her team are trying to make her more human looking by the day…

11) Screech / Saved By The Bell

Irratating little runt that would never have been friends with the other, attractive kids. (including the bint that ended up splashing her tits around in Show Girls)

12) Billy / The Power Rangers

As IF they’d employ someone who was short sighted to be a Power Ranger. What’s he going to do - Put his contacts in mid-morph? Little gimp.

13) Snooki / Jersey Shore

Horrendous example of being famous for no reason. Disgusting excuse for a human being. Grim, sweaty, greasy, orange, fat, ugly & stupid…

14)  The EVEN Fatter One / Glee

Don’t even know her name because I didn’t watch the show past season 1. But it looks like they’ve brought in someone to make the black fat one seem less fat. Put down the fork, babe.

15) Jubilee / The X Men 90’s Cartoon

I can’t remember anyone saying that Jubilee was their favourite. I never even really worked out what she did? Indoor fireworks? She annoyed me. Her coat was too big. End of.

The Voice: Fuck It, No, The Face..

Today all I want to do is completely ignore the entire premise of The Voice (on BBC One) by commenting only on the faces of the final line-up that are heading to the live shows. Petty? Yes. Pointless? Yes. Immature? Yes. Will That Stop Me? .... I dunno, probably not.  OH and BEFORE you bang on at me about how great they are at singing and how much I've "missed the point".. I KNOW.. I KNOW they can all sing (except the friend of the once immense Amy Winehouse, may she rest in peace)

Hunger Games: Popple-Brown, The Space Weiner & All Those Extras...

Let me start off by saying that I really don't hate either the Hunger Games book or film. I watched the film first and then read it... this is, I think, the new way to experience stuff. Why? Because THIS way round, if you enjoy the film - you'll REALLY enjoy the book. I refuse to be one of those pissy, moany cunts who continuously say things like "urgh, the book is so much better, the book goes into so much more detail, the book, the book, the boook, the booooook..." SHUT UP! of COURSE the book is better!?! Give me ONE example of a book NOT being better than the film that was made from it? Don't be so fucking stupid... and on that note, I'll continue... 

Let me start, properly, by saying that in my head I can't really tell these three apart. When I watched Hunger Games I was like "oh yeh that's the girl from 'A Series of Unfortunate Events' & 'Narnia'... which I now know to be complete bollocks... I'm sure you can tell me why and how they look so different but I'm sorry - same dough-eyed expression, same hair colour (at least at one point), same slightly moony face. Meh. They are the same to me. All good, by the way.  I thought Miss Jennifer Popple-Brown (as I'll call her) did a pretty decent job of Katniss. HOWEVER, I have serious issue with the casting choice of that LITTLE weiner from that terrible sequel to Jumanji (ZATHURA) that I saw too many years ago... Urgh.. I hate that little dick. He always looks like you're just about to shoot his cat. Not a fan. Peeta is supposed to at least be likeable... Perhaps if I hadn't watched that 'straight-to-video' mess of a sequel I wouldn't have such strong opinions on how much I hate him. He probably did a good job. who knows.

I'm not going to ramble on about the fact that the movie drops out the majority of the survival elements of the book. The extreme thirst for food and water because, let's be honest, it would be pretty shit to watch a film that had lots of footage of that. There's enough action in the storyline to keep the tempo up and eliminate the extremeties of that element of it. We get it, they would be hungry and thirsty.. let's move on.

When I first watched the film (so, before I'd read the book) I was interested to find out more about the other tributes that were in the tournament. I got a bit frustrated by the mere glimpses we had of some of them - because call me sadistic but I was well aware that they'd all get killed but I at least wanted to get some small information about some others so the kills would actually have an impact on me. Neither the movie or the book provided this for me. I assume that was because both are supposed to be from the perspective of Katniss, and realistically she wouldn't have bothered to get to know all about the majority of people that she knew would have to die for her to win... but still, seeing as the movie seemed to be more from the perspective of the Capitol and it's presenters - you'd have thought we could learn at least a BIT more about the others... nevermind - I guess they were all fucked anyway...

SO - HERE ARE MY VIEWS OF ALL THE TRIBUTES (both the important ones & the extras)

District 1 - Luxury

Strange picture of these two. Glimmer doesn't look half as decent as she does on film & Marvel (who is apparantly the love child of Meg Ryan & Dennis Quaid) doesn't look half as shit...

There's about as much 'luxury' in their outfits as there is on Julian Clary. I wanted Glimmer to last longer than she did but her death scene was pretty fucking cool. Marvel, meh.

District 2 - Masonry

These two were really good. OK SO they look like terrible child costumes for the movie Gladiator but over-all and compared to the rest they haven't got off too badly.. I'm not entirely sure why they made Cato out to be such a pussy at the end of the film. There was no need for his monologue. It would've been better if he'd stayed more mysterious..

District 3 - Electronics

Ahh the mini megan fox that has the extreme close-up of her face after she dies in the cornicopia. I swear everyone else in the audience (myself included) looked at her face and thought "rrrr, that's more of a shame because she was pretty" - I think that boy is the bomb expert one but I might be wrong.

District 4 - Fishing

Dont remember the girl in the slightest but the boy.. I'm pretty sure I speak for everyone when I say that no-one expected him to last more than 5 seconds. He looks like the sort of kid that would steal someone elses 'class milk' & then bite the supply teacher...

District 5 - Power

That ginger girl was quality! FoxFace they call her in the book. Brilliant. She really deserved a better death than the one that was given to her. I actually was secretly rooting for her to win the event over Katniss or Peeta. She was nifty! Look how pissed off Boy #5 looks to have that silver thing on his head. Ahahaha.

District 6 - Transportation

Can someone please explain to me how the fuck that represents 'transportation'..

District 7 - Lumber

Lumber, paper, yeh, I get it. Don't remember these two either. i think I saw the girl in the training room at one point. Boring.. next...

District 8 - Textiles

AHAHAHA! Look at their costumes. Ahhh you must be the carney district...

District 9 - Grain

Look it's the bitchy girl in school who stabs you with a pen and then cries herself, and some small asian dude... I'd be gutted if I was representing the 'Grain' district. how lame does that sound?

District 10 - Livestock

I think I've officially seen their hats in EVERY costume or joke shop I've EVER been too.. The boy looks like he should've done better than he did. I dont remember him so he must've died early.

District 11 - Agriculture

OHH WOW THEY'RE BOTH BLACK, THAT MEANS THE WHOLE DISTRICT MUST BE BLACK.. OOOOH HOW RACIST - fuck off.. it's a coincidence. stop making a big deal out of nothing. I hate people who say that sort of thing. PS. Rue was well cast.

District 12 - Coal Mining

Oh it's those two. The couple from District "Blatant-Favouritism". Yawn.

I'm looking forward to the sequel. I read ahead & have high hopes for it. I especially want to see some of the old granny tributes with low-hanging boobs in latex for the chariot scene. BEAUT! HA!