Geordie Shore: Tits, Dicks & Whores

RIGHT O! Geordie Shore is back! I’ve gotta say it’s my favourite out of all the slaggy bollocks on tv! For a start you can just TELL it’s not scripted. It’s far too raw and real. It’s just a bunch of c*nts being themselves & we have the pleasure of seeing what the fuck they get up to! Perfect!

Little bit disappointed that Greg has left. I liked him. And to clarify.. I never like ANYONE in these shows. I think you just got the overall idea that he was a bit more sound than the others. So let’s destroy them one by one

Jay: I’ve never seen someone who talks with his shoulders so much. If you don’t know what I mean watch some of the first season. It’s as if he needs to shrug his skin-covered American Football shoulder-pads in order to warm up his vocal chords. He looks like he should be a character on Gears of War. Hopefully one that dies...

Vicki: ‘Dr Jackell & Mrs Cunt’. What a knob. This girl is extremely un-likeable. Don’t be fooled by the rare glimpses of her being sweet & girly… give her a Jaegerbomb or a slap and she morphs into this butch, grim-faced, ego-fuelled man. Her face quickly goes wrong. She’s proven already that she has the fluid-sharing-morals of a mosquito. I wonder how many episodes it will take for Ricci to be balls deep in her… (Next time slut-bag… next…time)

Ricci: Greg’s direct replacement looks like an absolute knob-goblin. I don’t care that he took charlotte home when she was sad. He was probably just having a shit night.  The choir-boy-faced-man-beast has made zero impact on me.  Let’s watch the shit hit the fan in the inevitable moment when Vicki’s (presumably also bi-polar) boyfriend shows up & has a fight with him. If you’re going to ponce around in shorts that look like they’ve been lifted from the Lost & Found P.E. box at school then you aren’t a friend of mine…

Charlotte: I think someone may have possibly told this girl that she was funny at some point? She’s not. She’s an idiot. It’s rare but she’s a girl that “thinks with her vagina”… All she wants is that lad Gary’s cock in her at all times. How many more times does he have to tell her that she’s just a fuck buddy (or a “banker”) before she zips up her fanny and leaves him alone? She’s not THAT ugly. I think she’s the prettiest one out of the she-troggs on this show. She just needs to find another massive cock with a massive cock to go to the sex-shed with. When she says the name ‘Gary’ it makes the hairs stand up on the back of my cock. (I mean, neck)

Gary: the ridiculously successful-aubergine-penis-kid. That was the vegetable equivalent of his dick size wasn’t it? An aubergine? ... if it was a kiwi he’d be fucked wouldn’t he? ... Fair play to him the man obviously has a gigantic knob. I don’t like him. In fact, I think he has one of those faces that you just want to ram into a wall a couple of times until his face looks like a pizza. (still fucking cheesy but covered in red…)

 Holly: Now here’s a rarity. I’m going to defend a red-haired, big boobed, blatant slapper. I don’t fancy her (Christ no!) – I just respect the fact that she got completely dissed and dismissed pretty much the whole way through season one but stuck in there anyway for the money & moderate fame. Oh... she just fell over a pool table and now she’s spewing in the toilet. Forget I said anything... 

Rebecca: Hmmm. Personally I think she’s going to be funny to watch but her face is seriously annoying. When she speaks she looks like an early Simpsons drawing. You know, where the facial features move around an unrealistic amount. Her face is just a bit... of a mess...... you know? Her body is decent but her face definitely needs to be sent to the bagging area.

Sophie: Well she has a dildo. I think I can safely speak for everyone when I say that nobody wanted to know that. Thanks for waggling it around in front of the camera you Peter Kay-faced-munter. Grim. Her new hair looks terrible. Maybe she’s come for a second season so she can afford to colour the remaining sections of her hair ‘urine yellow’ to match the top. Thank fuck she’s got a boyfriend this time. HAHA. Imagine being her boyfriend. I’d hang myself.

James: Is gay. 100%. He’s gay. That or he’s the one stashing a kiwi sized knob & if anyone fucks him then shouts out about it his reputation will be ruined.  He’s pretty sound really but he doesn’t half look like a massive bender with his hair swept to the side and that low cut sailor top. He’s definitely one of those guys who should naturally be a bit of a fatty. You can tell it from his face. I think he fights nature on a daily basis to be in shape. Fair play to him. He'll be fucked once the roids wear off...

In closing I will state that this show is much more entertaining than TOWIE at the moment. Frankly, TOWIE can fuck off...